Em's Birthday

It's raining hard and the wind is whipping. I wish I had put my car away before Tony left for work. Em is here and since I won't leave her alone while I put the car away, and she's sick and it's too nasty to take her out, the car will sit under the tree that one day may fall down.

Em turned 4 years old this past Saturday. Michele had a party at their house, and as usual Em got too many presents but she had fun. The picture directly below is Em holding the kid-size baseball mitt her daddy got her. The one below that is Em just before blowing our the candles. Oh to be a kid again.




A month from now, the house should be officially for sale. The antique guy comes April 8. The clean-everything-else-out guys come April 9 to look things over. Eric Allan is coming this weekend to fix the slate stonework on the sidewalk and the terrace wall. Abby will probably also come this weekend to take the stuff she wants.

I daydream all the time about a new place. Deep down inside I don't think this house will sell this year, or if I do get an offer, it will be so low -- because of all the issues -- that it won't be worth selling. Nonetheless, I think about a new place with anticipation and wonder.

Gas prices - Gas is running $2.83 to $2.90 no matter where I shop.

Issues Piling Up

Issues....they're getting old quick. Issues with Tony. Issues with the house. Well, wait, that's only two things with which I have issues. That's good!

Tony issues include: His attitude of entitlement. His spending money, IMO, carelessly so he can't pay me this month's room & board nor anything toward the loan. His laziness as evidenced by leaving food out on the counter, not putting dishes in the dishwasher or washing them, not wiping down the counter top, leaving the bathmat on the floor, not closing over the shower curtain, not rinsing the sink after brushing his teeth, etc. He calls me a nag. I am, but who wouldn't?

The house goes on the market in about a month. There are issues with it with the biggest problem, IMO, being the septic system. It's old. It's not doing its job adequately, and the cost to replace it would be $40,000 to $50,000. That's not in my budget, which means if the septic system is the reason nobody buys, then I stay here until Greenville puts in public sewers or I die.

Just Stuff

The storm from 2 weeks ago lasted 5 days. It snowed and snowed and snowed. I ended up with 36 inches in my backyard. Up on the mountain they had 6 to 8 feet of snow! The weight of the heavy snow, in addition to the wind that picked up, brought down parts of 3 trees. Last week I hired a company to take down 2 of the 3 trees, one of which was an apple tree, and part of the third tree, part of which was leaning against the house.

The bad weather has put me behind schedule. I was hoping to have a date set for Russ and his associates to remove stuff for an auction. The front door still has 4 feet of snow in front of it, from sliding off the roof, so have to wait until that melts for removal of items.

I've hired a real estate agent. No contract has been signed yet, but soon. We are in agreement that the house is a fixer-upper and that it should not be overpriced.

All of this -- property damage and hiring a real estate agent -- has brought me down. I spent a lot of last week crying. I miss Ron so much. I again feel as if I'm cutting him out of my life.... out of his life.

Today, though, I had an epiphany of sorts. I remembered that Ron always -- ALWAYS -- lived for the day. He didn't spend time thinking about yesterday and didn't worry much about tomorrow. Pretty much this means to me that even if he could "see" or "know" what's happening here, he wouldn't be concerned because my today is his yesterday. It's his former life. He's gone.

In the 3-1/2 years I knew Ron, he might have mentioned his late wife Edie a few dozen times and those occurred mostly in the first year or two. It's not that he forgot her or disrespected her or even stopped loving her. It's that Edie was in the past, and I was the present, the here and now. If he is "living" somewhere, if his energy goes on somewhere, he is "living" his time, not what was left behind.

It's a lonely feeling, but it's also liberating. Maybe I won't feel that I'm selling bits and pieces of Ron off with each decision I make. I can make my life decisions, decisions I would make anyway, without guilt.