Home From the Hospital?

The CT scan did not show the cancer has spread. Pretty much it is confined, though the doctor qualified this by saying that without a contrast CT, which Ron can't have because of his kidneys, nothing is certain.

This was good news!! What was, and is, not good news is that Ron's breathing starting to deteriorate and he was feeling weaker and weaker. An appointment with his kidney doctor on Monday, July 13, revealed that his blood pressure was very low: 75/43 or something like that. We were given advice to help raise it that night at home, none of which worked, so the next morning, after a call so the nephrologist and oncologist, I took Ron to the the ER at Memorial Hospital. He was admitted and has been there ever since. A week today....opps today is now Wednesday so it was a week yesterday.

The hospital stay has been partly nightmare partly OK. I have a list of things that constitute the nightmare part but they are too many and right now I don't feel like writing about them. The OK part probably represents my settling down and accepting that care in hospitals isn't what it used to be.

Ron's blood pressure was brought under control by removing him from his BP medicines. Since he had lost 28 pounds, it was no longer needed. His breathing problems won't go away. He will have good days and bad days. The problem is caused by what the pulmonologist called the "perfect storm" of medical issues, including bad kidneys, cancer, chemo treatments, his age and sleep apenea. One or two of these wouldn't be so bad, but all together they cause a major problem. Oh, his racing heart, which started in the hospital, was brought under control by putting him back on Metoporlol, a beta blocker.

Three times Ron was on the verge of release from the hospital and three times another medical issue has occurred. Today, though, I am confident that the anticipated release will happen.

He is terribly weak. He needs a walker to walk. ::sigh:: When he first used the walker, I almost fell apart, but after yesterday, when he was in so much pain in his lower back that he couldn't get out of bed let alone walk, seeing him use the walker today made me happy because it allowed him to walk.

The lower back pain was the latest issue that kept him from being released. The oncologist thinks the cancer has spread and yesterday ordered a bone scan, the results of which were not available when the doctor did rounds at 3 PM. He thought at rounds yesterday that he might as well do an MRI while Ron was in the hospital, so Ron may have that today. The pain is brought under control with a pain med and it has allowed Ron to sit up on the edge of the bed to eat meals and, as I mentioned, walk!

Soooooooooooo... barring yet another issue, Ron will be released later today.

The first few days he was in the hospital, I was there 11 hours or so each day. That's way too much time, and I was coming home exhausted. I also caught one hell of a cold and I never catch colds. By day 5 of his stay, I was visiting him for 9 hours or so, and sometimes going out in the middle of the afternoon to go shopping or even to run over to see Em for a few minutes.

I miss Ember so damn much. I've gone from caring for her twice a week to not caring for her at all. When I saw her for 15 minutes on Sunday, she came flying at me, jumped into my arms, and kissed and hugged me, not letting me go. A few minutes later when were were making a cherry cake out of mud, she said, as if she were commenting on how nice the day was, "I miss you Grandma Marla, ya know?"

Made me tear up, though I didn't cry in front of her. That was difficult because I've been doing a lot of crying lately. Crying because I miss Em. Crying because I'm afraid that Ron is slowly going down hill. Crying because I miss the old normal and I'm afraid of the unknown that is ahead of us.

I miss Ron so much. This house, which I'm not all that fond of anyway, isn't a home without him. I haven't missed having to cook, though! LOL

Weather - Rain. How many ways can it be spelled or occur? It continues to rain almost every day as if we lived in a rain forest.

Exercise - Does walking to and from a hospital room constitute exercise. Not only have I NOT exercised, I have done nothing but eat junk food. I've gained weight.

Random thoughts - Sometimes I think Ron has given up. Will he ever walk out of this house again without help? How am I going to get him to doctor appointments? Will I ever be able to take care of Ember, even one day a week, again? Will Nolan ever buy the fucking apartment house so we can get that off the "to do" list?

New Normal

Those of us with illness in our lives, whether we are the one who is ill or the caregiver, live with the timetables of tests, results, doctor visits. Ron and I have lived with timetables ever since I met him, but they were usually benign and made us only mildly anxious

This time, though, the timetables of tests, results and doctor visits carry a more serious focus. As a friend said to me -- and something I've said before in my life -- this *is* the new normal, and normal now revolves around life issues that are a hell of a lot more important than whether it will rain on the 4th of July. People who don't have health issues cannot understand what it is to live life with the ceiling of "what if" over one's head.

Ron had a CT scan Monday. We see the oncologist tomorrow for the results. I expect to hear that the four chemo treatments he's had were not enough to contain the cancer. I hope to hear another protocol will be offered. Ron is anxious; more than I've ever seen from him.

We are facing a double whammy right now because he also has chronic kidney failure, and he is showing major signs that chronic has turned into plain ole' failure. He has an appointment with the nephrologist Monday.

So even the new normal might become a newer normal if Ron faces chemo treatments and dialysis. I can't wrap my mind around the logistics of that right now.

Right now, our normal will also mean that I get away for an afternoon once in a while. I have got to have that. Tuesday afternoon of this week Em, Michele and I were supposed to take the Aqua Duck tour of Albany but the company cancelled because of bad weather. Instead we went to the Children's Museum in Saratoga. Em loves the museum, and we enjoyed watching her have a good time.

Actually I am hoping/counting on being able to take care of Em at least one day a week, unti/if Ron gets weaker again. The whole Em schedule has changed too, though. Tony is working a compressed work week on a second shift, going into work about 1 PM. He's pretty much taking care of Ember every morning before work, other than the mornings Em goes to pre-school. So the need to have anybody care for Em all day long is gone. Nonetheless, I am hoping that I can be with her all day every other Monday and a half day each week.

Ron's weakness has lessened quite a bit. The weekend just past had us again thinking, "ER." We waited, though, and he gained some strength, so again he doesn't look very sick. I know he's weak, though, and needs his strength for just sitting up, reading, watching TV and walking in the house. We had a talk of sorts this morning wherein I reminded him that please and thank you were the words people used most often when they ask for something or something is done for them. Yes, even a wife deserves that. It is an acknowledgment by him that I'm at his beck and call.

Weather - So far, this is the summer that isn't. We've had so much rain that I sink in the grass when I walk on it. Corn isn't growing well. Hay is becoming mulch.

Exercise - I've been walking this week than the past couple of weeks. I need the alone time.

Random thoughts - I want my husband back, but I know it will never be the way it was. Actually I know that right now may be the best we have from now on. The sun has come out. What a relief. I turned 60 years old last week. Strange to think how few years I have left to live in relation to how many I have lived.

Twins...

Pictures of The Twins

Rain......

Into each life, a little rain must fall. Ha! Little rain? It's rained almost every day for the past five weeks. We're living in a rain forest. It's beautiful. It's wet. There's a lot of mud, just like in the spring. I'm tired of it.

Ron's feeling better. He didn't get chemo Wednesday because (1) his blood counts weren't very good and (2) his fatigue is just too much for his body to handle another chemo treatment. So it's been two weeks since his last chemo treatment, and Ron's fatigue is lessening, his appetite is increasing and he's joking around and teasing me a little. I'm seeing some of the man I've missed so much.

Ron's scheduled for a CT Scan Monday. This will reveal if the cancer has been kept in check from the two cycles of chemo or if it's spreading. We see the doctor Friday to find out the results.

Until then, life is good! I've got my laptop set up in the "atrium" off the TV room. It's near Ron's recliner; it overlooks the backyard; it's bright. I like it. The printer's been brought down here. Everything is easy.

Last night I had dinner with the "girls" from Banking. All four of us were there, which doesn't happen often. It was a nice time.

I also did grocery shopping yesterday. Groan. I hate cooking, and it causes me a great deal of anxiety wondering if what I fix will appeal to Ron's chemo-dampened appetite.

I miss Em. I haven't seen her since Sunday when Michele and Em came for a visit.

Momma deer brought her fawn out this morning, only it wasn't just one.... it was twins! Two adorable, frisky, babies. The pictures of them are above.

Weather - It rained this afternoon. This morning was OK. I spend most of the day in jeans, socks and sneaks cause I'm cold.

Exercise - Nothing formal. Housework and a dozen times up and down the stairs.

Random thoughts - I should have put my car away in the garage. Summer's made me lazy. It was sunny and warm enough about 5 PM to sit on the swing. The grass needs mowing again. I've got to stop snacking as if I'll never eat again. The more Ron doesn't eat, the more I do. My feet hurt doay.

Rain

Let's seeeee.... have we had more than two consecutive days without rain? I don't think so! We live in a rain forest. It's beautiful but it grows and grows and grows.

We were unable to go to Jacob's graduation this past Saturday because Ron wasn't feelng well. Ron's kids, except for Neil, came over to say hello before going to the party. It cheered Ron up a lot, and overall, he was feeling better.

Sunday was another pretty good day. Ron and I sat on the swing, held hands, and I could almost believe all was well. We've had lots of deer in the backyard munching on the apples.

Monday Ron returned to Memorial Hospital for the red blood cell transfusion.