Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. I have felt great for a few weeks and am very grateful. My "over the worst of Ron's death" continues. I was missing Ron a lot last night when I went to bed. There was nobody with whom to pillow talk, but I talked to him anyway, cried some, got up and walked around the house and then went back to bed and slept very well.

Tony, Bri, Ember and Judy will be here Christmas about 1 PM. We'll have dinner right away and then spend time opening presents. I did not go overboard on Ember this year. I bought her a dollhouse with all the stuff, which is a high-priced item, and then just a few smaller things. I am so happy too that Tony, Bri and Em are planning on spending the night so I'll have them into the evening and Sunday morning. Yeah!!

And New Year's.... I've never been a fan of New Year's Eve but it was nice sitting around trying not to fall asleep with Ron. Actually, I did stay awake until midnight, usually in bed, while Ron slept. New Year's can make me melancholy though. I'll be glad when it is January 2. I've got a good feeling about 2011.

I love you, Ronald. If you have any influence in this world, please help with the sale of the house.

Long Time - No Write

So today I write. It's been a very long time. There's no way I can catch up here with all that's been happening in my life. I'll write as the thoughts come to me..

The house has not sold. In October, a woman from NYC was very interested and looked at the house twice. She still has an interest but her son has told her it's too much of a project for her to take on at her age -- which is 75 years.

Tony and Brianna married on August 6. It was a lovely wedding. Everybody was happy except probably me. I'm sure the pictures taken, which I have not yet seen, show me looking old and unhappy. The date was a week after the one-year anniversary of Ron's death, and I was also still in a place of grief that didn't mesh with being happy about anything or anybody. Also, my thoughts were wrapped around Ember and how her daddy was moving so far away. It just isn't right.

Ember is growing like a weed. She will be 5 years old the end of March. I take care of her two days one week and three days the next, when she spends Tuesday night at my house. She's often full of attitude. It's probably partly due to age and partly due to some of the environment in which she lives.

Autumn around here was a lot of work. I raked and raked and dumped and dumped. There are still a ton of leaves on the grass but I ran out of steam and interest. The plumber was here a couple of times, to the tune of over $500, to fix the draining problem with the washer. Insulation was blown around the sill in the cellar and in the attic. Gutters were installed front and back. I did other work myself, work Ron would have done.

Thanksgiving was spent with Maureen and her crew at Turning Stone. That place has a great buffet. Cara came with me. She and I had been in contact the previous week. It was nice to be together with people I love.

And now it is Christmas. I am psyched this year. Last year was so awful. Even more awful looking back than it was when I lived it. I don't remember much about the day. I don't even remember what I gave people to eat. This year Tony & Brianna will be here along with Em, of course, and Judy. I overbought, but not as bad as last year. The tree is, as usual, too dry but it's also very beautiful. Dinner will be the typical turkey, but it's our favorite.

I still miss Ron. Life isn't as sad. I enjoy many things again, but each night when I go to bed I usually still cry some and so yearn for him.

Time Makes Things Better

It's been 2 months since last I wrote. It's been a crazy 2 months. The house went on the market May 13. For Sale! Within 7 days two separate sets of people looked at it. A younger couple *loved* it, and my RE agent said it looked promising, but in the end, the couple decided it was too far a commute to their job (so why were they here in the first place?). The second couple said the house required too much work.

I am not unhappy it's not selling. I'm not even curious why nobody is looking at it because I think I know the answer. It's a very special house that only a specific type of person will have interest in. If 100 people are looking to buy, I'll be lucky if 1 of them wants a house 219 years old.

This morning the boiler anti-freeze was delivered to hazardous recycling. It's a once-a-year event whereby hazardous material is accepted by Greene County's main recycling center, for free. Yahoo! That had been a big concern of mine.

There is one large item left to go: The old furnace. I've given it to a friend of a friend, and he's supposed to take it this week. Another Yahoo!

Tony's wedding is now less than 6 weeks away. As is often the case with mother of the groom, I'm left out of any planning, etc. It was no problem to take my money to help pay for the event, but pretty much I'm being ignored.

Tony hasn't yet found a job downstate so he is still living with me. It's not without problems, but after a major blow-up early in the spring, we reached an agreement and he is still here. Of course, he's not paying me his R&B or on his loan as often as he's supposed to.

Ember is doing great! The schedule for her care is changing this summer, but I will still have her for an overnight at least every other week. As she gets older, and thus easier to care for, I get tired easier. It's a good thing she's 4 years old and not 4 months old. I love her so much. She is great fun and great company.

Henny Penny is here rubbing her head against my hands. It's difficult to type, that's for sure.

I know a lot more has occurred in the past 2 months but they are history and I continue to look forward. The intense pain of missing Ron has lessened. I still cry every day about something, but it passes. I'm not sleeping well, but I suspect it's a function of many things, not just missing Ron. I think he would be content with the way I've handled things. He would be appalled at the disposition of some of his stuff, but in the end, he'd be fine with it.

I think often of what it would be like had the cancer not spread and the chemo had kept the cancer at bay. I think by now he would be sick again, and I'd be caring for him and the property and I'd still have to face his estate, which has taken me almost a year to handle. I can imagine him being sick, getting sicker, lingering, and I know I'm glad it didn't end that way. I just wish the cancer had not returned for a few more years so we had more time together where we were both healthy.

I miss him but I am alive and he isn't.

Under Control

Since I last wrote, I have calmed down and things are under control.

The pole barn is completely empty.

The front garage is 99.99% empty

The cellar is 99.99% empty of junk.

The attic and second floor bedrooms are 99.99% empty of junk.

The living room is 99.99% empty of junk.

The septic system had to be replaced and that was completed today. A new tank was installed, and a leach field was put in, something that was lacking previously. Now when the toilet is flushed,there is no odor coming back. It cost big bucks -- $7,500 -- but it had to be done and frankly, I'm glad because things are now functioning properly.

I am at the point that I've been focused on since shortly after Ron died: Cleaning up all the stuff around here and putting the house on the market. It could be 3 weeks, 3 months or 3 years, but eventually the house will sell, even with all its issues. It would be a gift if it sold this summer.

ANGRY!!!

If Ron weren't dead, I swear I'd kill him. The straw that broke the camel's back, I suppose, happened tonight. His stupid, fucking stupid glider rocking chair broke. It has broken at least two other times since I moved in three years ago. Ron turns it over, takes the huge bolt, shoves it in, does something, hurts his hand, says, "We gotta replace this thing," and then because it kind of works again, a new chair is never bought.

Tonight the stupid fucking chair is out on the terrace because it broke. I tried to fix it and almost broke my finger, but thankfully only severely bruised it. When that happened, I said, "This time it WILL be replaced," and dragged it outside. Stupid fucking thing.

This sent me over the edge. I cried. I screamed. I would have thrown something but Em was here. I hate this house. I hate living here. I hate all the furniture that was his, and I mean literally hate it. I hate having a garage 200 feet away from the back door. I hate having the washer and dryer in the dirty, cobwebbed covered cellar. I hate having only one bathroom, on the first floor no less, while the bedrooms are on the second floor. I hate living here alone without Ron!!

I hate being cold all the time and being unable to keep the house warm because there is no insulation.

I hate that in the coldest month of the winter it can cost $1,000 to heat.. for just that one month!!!

Pretty much I hate old houses. I admire them -- when they belong to someone else. If this weren't my house now, I'd say, "Wow... 219 years old. It's amazing." And it is amazing, but it is a fucking pain in my ass.

I hate and resent having to clean out 30+ years of shit and crap that was his and Edie's. I hate having to deal with trades people, from the guy who fixes lawnmowers to the guy who's delivering and spreading three loads of gravel for the driveway tomorrow.

I am pissed that it will cost me between $1,000 and $2,000 to get everything cleaned out that can't be sold. The cellar is chock full of stuff..... useless, broken, no good stuff. The next person who says to me, "But ya never know when that stuff will come in handy," is going to get a hard kick in the balls. Yes, balls, because only a man keeps stuff "just in case."

I am crazed that the septic system hasn't been attended to in decades and that it has serious problems. Serious enough that it will probably be the reason the house won't sell unless I replace it -- at a cost of God knows what!

I dislike Greenville. I have no fondness for it at all. If this house ever does sell, I know I will shed tears because I'll be leaving the place where Ron and I lived and loved, but I know the closer I get to where I came from, the bigger my smile will grow.

Tomorrow the gravel guy dumps three loads of gravel and spreads it on the driveway. Only in the fucking country do they have hard-packed gravel. City folk are civilized. They have driveways that are paved, and they also have garages that aren't 100 feet away from the house.

If Ron were still alive, none of this would, of course, matter. He'd deal with tradespeople or do the work himself and I wouldn't care about the cellar or old septic system because though Ron took lousy care of everything, he took wonderful care of the woman he loved. Nobody but nobody can love and show and express that love like Ron did. I was wrapped in it. I felt it in every cell of my body. I knew without a doubt that the most important thing in his life was me and my happiness. ::sigh::

Em's Birthday

It's raining hard and the wind is whipping. I wish I had put my car away before Tony left for work. Em is here and since I won't leave her alone while I put the car away, and she's sick and it's too nasty to take her out, the car will sit under the tree that one day may fall down.

Em turned 4 years old this past Saturday. Michele had a party at their house, and as usual Em got too many presents but she had fun. The picture directly below is Em holding the kid-size baseball mitt her daddy got her. The one below that is Em just before blowing our the candles. Oh to be a kid again.




A month from now, the house should be officially for sale. The antique guy comes April 8. The clean-everything-else-out guys come April 9 to look things over. Eric Allan is coming this weekend to fix the slate stonework on the sidewalk and the terrace wall. Abby will probably also come this weekend to take the stuff she wants.

I daydream all the time about a new place. Deep down inside I don't think this house will sell this year, or if I do get an offer, it will be so low -- because of all the issues -- that it won't be worth selling. Nonetheless, I think about a new place with anticipation and wonder.

Gas prices - Gas is running $2.83 to $2.90 no matter where I shop.

Issues Piling Up

Issues....they're getting old quick. Issues with Tony. Issues with the house. Well, wait, that's only two things with which I have issues. That's good!

Tony issues include: His attitude of entitlement. His spending money, IMO, carelessly so he can't pay me this month's room & board nor anything toward the loan. His laziness as evidenced by leaving food out on the counter, not putting dishes in the dishwasher or washing them, not wiping down the counter top, leaving the bathmat on the floor, not closing over the shower curtain, not rinsing the sink after brushing his teeth, etc. He calls me a nag. I am, but who wouldn't?

The house goes on the market in about a month. There are issues with it with the biggest problem, IMO, being the septic system. It's old. It's not doing its job adequately, and the cost to replace it would be $40,000 to $50,000. That's not in my budget, which means if the septic system is the reason nobody buys, then I stay here until Greenville puts in public sewers or I die.

Just Stuff

The storm from 2 weeks ago lasted 5 days. It snowed and snowed and snowed. I ended up with 36 inches in my backyard. Up on the mountain they had 6 to 8 feet of snow! The weight of the heavy snow, in addition to the wind that picked up, brought down parts of 3 trees. Last week I hired a company to take down 2 of the 3 trees, one of which was an apple tree, and part of the third tree, part of which was leaning against the house.

The bad weather has put me behind schedule. I was hoping to have a date set for Russ and his associates to remove stuff for an auction. The front door still has 4 feet of snow in front of it, from sliding off the roof, so have to wait until that melts for removal of items.

I've hired a real estate agent. No contract has been signed yet, but soon. We are in agreement that the house is a fixer-upper and that it should not be overpriced.

All of this -- property damage and hiring a real estate agent -- has brought me down. I spent a lot of last week crying. I miss Ron so much. I again feel as if I'm cutting him out of my life.... out of his life.

Today, though, I had an epiphany of sorts. I remembered that Ron always -- ALWAYS -- lived for the day. He didn't spend time thinking about yesterday and didn't worry much about tomorrow. Pretty much this means to me that even if he could "see" or "know" what's happening here, he wouldn't be concerned because my today is his yesterday. It's his former life. He's gone.

In the 3-1/2 years I knew Ron, he might have mentioned his late wife Edie a few dozen times and those occurred mostly in the first year or two. It's not that he forgot her or disrespected her or even stopped loving her. It's that Edie was in the past, and I was the present, the here and now. If he is "living" somewhere, if his energy goes on somewhere, he is "living" his time, not what was left behind.

It's a lonely feeling, but it's also liberating. Maybe I won't feel that I'm selling bits and pieces of Ron off with each decision I make. I can make my life decisions, decisions I would make anyway, without guilt.

Big Snow!

We spent the first 90% of the winter with below amounts of snow, but a storm which is hitting us now will make up for that and no doubt we will exceed the average amount of snowfall before it's done. There are 15 inches of wet, dense snow out there now, and it's still snowing. This storm is #2 of 3 storms, with the 3rd storm starting Thursday morning and going into Friday. When all is said and done, we may have as much as 30 inches on the ground.

Somewhere around midnight last night we lost power. I had been dozing on the couch and woke up to TV running and the lights on. Deciding to go to bed, I did the usual look-out-the-window-first to see no lights anywhere! No lights at the Westerner. No street light across from my driveway, and then I realized the dull sound I was hearing was the self-start generator. Upwards of 50,000 people served by Central Hudson Gas & Electric are without service, but I have everything because of the generator. Even satellite TV is working again. Must be accumulated snow slipped off the dish.

I've been dozing on and off all night on the couch but am kind of antsy so made coffee and am watching TV waiting for the local news to come on.

I took a short, 4-day vacation to Tybee Island and Savannah, GA, over Presidents' Day weekend. I met my friend Becky, whose family owns a beach house on Tybee, at the Charlotte, NC, airport, and she drove from there to the beach. It was good to get away.

Em has been great! I haven't seen her quite as often the past 2 weeks because of vacation and then my being sick when I returned, but she did spend last Thursday and Friday nights with me here and loved it.

Gas prices - They've come down a little with Cumberland Farm in Glenmont at $2.739.

Weather - See above! Snow snow snow.

Going on Vacation!

I leave for vacation on Thursday. I am very excited. I haven't been away since last May when Ron and I went to Mystic, CT, for the weekend. This time I fly, eventually ending up in Savannah, GA.

I finally got my act together and am exercising and eating sensibly. I've lost 7.5 pounds since January 24. I feel so much better physically and mentally. My initial goal is to lose a total of 19 pounds. I may stay at that weight or I may lose more.

The sale of the store closed this past Thursday. YAHOOOO!!! It's a relief to have that albatross off my shoulders and to have the financial buffer provided by the money. There are so many projects I have on my "should I do?" list for the house. I will consult with my real estate agent before doing any of them. Maybe... maybe.. maybe... the house will sell this year and I will have a second closing.

It's been a very cold winter. It's also been a snowless winter. We're way below average in the number of inches of snow. I hope it stays that way.

The price of propane jumped 65 cents in three weeks. Seems the pipeline coming into Selkirk is down and propane is being trucked in from Rhode Island. I think the first project I attend to will be some insulation.

It's Sunday Again

The store sale is still on! Whoo hoo again. I'm more relaxed that indeed it will go through.

I've been in a bad place for most of the past week. I wasn't as down as previous bad places, but it wasn't nice either. I'm just plain old sad and missing Ron. I know it will pass, and I know it's OK to cry when the mood strikes. It's a good thing that I'm the type who doesn't curl up in a ball and halt living when like this or else nothing much would get done.

This past week my painter guy (as I fondly call him.. LOL) painted the kitchen! It was a huge job because of all the trim and cupboard doors (cupboards are very old fashioned wooden -- decades old -- and had to be painted). It took him over 40 hours to do the entire job and I paid him more than he quoted me. He does a good job, and he's worth it. I also love the way the kitchen looks now. It's bright and airy and totally uncluttered. When I put the kitchen back together yesterday, I set it up as though the house will show tomorrow; almost nothing on counter tops; no "stuff" just sitting around.

My painter guy is also a flea market person. That is he, and his brother, buy stuff to sell at flea markets. I showed him my "yard sale/junk" room and asked if he'd be interested in buying everything. He is interested and though I will get less money than if I had my own yard sale, I don't care. I am sick & tired of the physical work involved in this estate stuff so anything that will make eliminate physical work is good for me. Besides I don't like yard sales: don't like to go to 'em; don't like to hold 'em.

The local antique house guy is coming on February 18 to go through my attic. He was supposed to come between T-giving and Christmas but didn't. I waited until now to give him a push and pretty much said he's got to come or I'll go to someone else.

Weather - It's been real warm for about 9 days now. Today we're due heavy rain, maybe 2" or more. Tomorrow it's going to get cold. The driveway will be an ice rink.

Whooo Hooo

I've had a serious, CASH offer for the store on Main Street from a local businessman. A big WHOO HOOO for me!! The RE agent is very sure it will go through. The buyer wants no inspection -- he knows about the structural damage -- and no inspection is needed because he's paying cash. Again another big WHOO HOOO!! All that needs to be done is a title search. Anticipated closing is before the end of this month.

The price for any buyer is good. It's been lowered many many times since first going on the market in November 2006. Oh well. I personally haven't put too much money into it so whatever I get after paying RE agent and attorney will be much appreciated.

Em spent this weekend downstate with her daddy. He's bringing her up this morning, and I'll meet them at soccer. I've missed my Grand Girl, while at the same time being grateful for the break of not having her Thursday. Even today will be a break because she won't come down for an overnight.

I put my free time to good use. Have cleared out a lot of stuff in Ron's Clock Room. Little by little things are getting done. As time goes on, though, I am less inclined to do the work myself and am thinking seriously about hiring somebody to finish up. Now that the store has sold (knock on wood), I'll have some extra money.

I daydream a lot about selling the house and moving back where I came from. It's only 35 miles, but it's a different world. I'll be much closer to Em. I'll be close to stores and shopping and my doctor. I certainly am hoping by next fall I'm in a new place, but something inside is saying it will be the fall of 2011 before I'm up there, just as Em starts kindergarten (YIKES!!)

Weather - It's been really cold, but nothing unusual for this time of the year. Spring is 10 weeks away yet, but time is going so quickly that it will be here before we know it.

Snowy!

It's snowing and blowing and it's really really cold. I just came in from filling the bird feeder and shoveling the upper terrace walkway. It's cold.. cold..cold.

New Year's Eve was OK for me emotionally. The day before, December 30, was horrible. I started cleaning Ron's office and as happens, I was overwhelmed with the work that's ahead of me, the idea that I am having to do the sorting and tossing and with missing Ron so much. The job and the office was Ron for so many years. The business was started by his grandfather in 1923, and here it is 2010, and I -- a relative stranger to the family -- am closing it up.

So I did a lot of crying on the 30th. Then the cold I thought was on the way out from the previous week was actually the start of a new cold and by mid-afternoon on Wednesday, I was sick. New Year's Eve day, I was really sick and pretty much dozed on and off all day, into the night and the morning. Friday, the 1st, I had to do a grocery run and then I sacked out again. Saturday I was better and today I'm even better.

2010: What can be said about that number that hasn't been said or thought by everyone else? It's pretty awesome.

I've hired someone to paint the kitchen. He starts January 18. It should make a world of difference in how being in the kitchen feels.

This coming week, I'm going to call the antique guy again and ask if he wants up in the attic. I need to get going on that.

I'd love to sit back, watch winter go by, and feel secure that the house will sell in the spring, but I can't so I have to keep on working for it. In the end my reward will be living somewhere that is newer (which won't be difficult considering this house is 218 years old) and easier to maintain (ditto about age of this house).