April Feels Like Winter

I have nothing good to say. This is a blog full of complaints, whining and I may throw in some despair.

First, the house still hasn't sold. This is where the despair part comes in. I am so depressed by continuing to live here that I am thinking of far out ways to leave. Drop the house to $100,000 so anybody can afford it. Just leave... close it up... stop paying real estate taxes and say, "Fuck it." That's probably nothing I'd do, but I think about it. Dropping the price to an outlandishly low price is in serious contention. What is money when my emotional health is in jeopardy.

Second, the weather continues to be depressing. It's cold. It's windy. Things are growing slowly. It's not spring.

Third, my next door neighbors have again started off the "outdoor" season by playing their music too loudly. The good thing is I actually met the guy over the winter and we chatted so approaching him about the music shouldn't be that big of a deal. Right? Ha! I *hate* this type of issue -- an issue that shouldn't be an issue at all if people are reasonable.

Ron has been dead almost 21 months. It's pushing two years. Living in this house, though, is holding me back from moving on. Though I've replaced the kitchen table set and area rug underneath in the kitchen, and the recliner and the sofa in the living room, with a new area rug on order, it is still Ron's house. I hate going down those treacherous (to me) stairs to do laundry. I hate having to go downstairs in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. I pretty much hate living here. I continue to be sad a good part of the time.

Gas is at an all-time high of $4.00 a gallon, give or take a few cents. Purchasing the Ford Escape, which is only getting 23 MPG, when I did was a bad idea, but I don't regret it. I love it.

My dear friend Elsie died about three weeks ago. On the night of her wake, we got word that Lady (her paternal aunt) died. Elsie was 74. Lady 97. There's been too much sadness in Greenville for me.

The Winter of 2010-2011

This will be a winter to remember. I am glad it's the second winter without Ron instead of the first. I've lived here long enough now that I'm handling the issues well. We've had 7 snowstorms in 7 weeks. The snow is not melting. It's building up on roofs. Roofs are collapsing. A lot of people have leaks; water just running down walls. I do too. ::big sigh:: The ice is so built up on the gutters that melting snow further up the roof has no where to go except under shingles and into window jambs. It started a few days ago with the TV room window overlooking the backyard and this evening it started in the front of the house. Water is coming in the eyebrow window, running down the wall to the front foyer and also running down the spaces in the upstairs wood floors to the front hallway below. I'm using sheets and blankets to soak up the water on the second floor and a bucket to catch the water that gets by the blankets.

If I hear one more, "Oh I just love snow and winter," from somebody, I will lose my temper... big time!

Winter 2011

Christmas was a month ago. Like other events in life at my age, it seems as if it could have been last week or 6 months ago. It all depends on my mindset at any given moment. Ever since Christmas weekend we have had winter full force. Lots of snow. Lots of very cold, below average, temperatures. I can almost hear the propane pouring into the furnace.

I got sick over New Year's weekend, and am still not 100%. It started as a cold caught from Ember. I coughed, sneezed, blew (nose) and felt miserable for close to 2 weeks, actually calling "in sick" one of my days to care for Ember. I'm better but still have a slight ear ache, drippy nose and lots of sneezing.

Next week I have my annual physical with my doc. I actually see a PA who knows me so well she can all but answer the questions she asks of me. Nothing much has changed, other than this not feeling quite well is hanging on. I'm going to ask for an antibiotic, and she'll give it to me. I don't complain or ask for meds much so if I ask, it's probably a good idea.

In another 5 days, it will be the 18-month anniversary of Ron's death. ::big sigh:: What can I say? Though each life is unique, only another widow can relate. My life isn't bad, but it's not as interesting or fun as when Ron was alive. I'm not unhappy nor do I cry incessantly, but I do cry sometimes and I am sad sometimes. I also am aware that if I had the choice of Ron alive but very very ill and in pain, which he would have been (even if he lived another 18 months), or Ron dead, I would choose his death. He would have **hated** a "life" of disability, pain and relying on others for his care. Of course if there was a door #3 where Ron was alive and well, I would choose that.

Nobody has looked at the house since before Thanksgiving. Will it sell this year? I hope so. I can do anything, even continue to live down here, but I don't want to. I want to be close to Ember and I want a newer place, whether I rent or buy, and I want to be close to stores and shopping and friends and volunteer opportunities.

Gas prices have gone sky high again. $3.25 isn't unusual for regular. Oh joy. Just when I'm thinking of buying a crossover vehicle which doesn't get as good mileage as my Focus.