April Feels Like Winter

I have nothing good to say. This is a blog full of complaints, whining and I may throw in some despair.

First, the house still hasn't sold. This is where the despair part comes in. I am so depressed by continuing to live here that I am thinking of far out ways to leave. Drop the house to $100,000 so anybody can afford it. Just leave... close it up... stop paying real estate taxes and say, "Fuck it." That's probably nothing I'd do, but I think about it. Dropping the price to an outlandishly low price is in serious contention. What is money when my emotional health is in jeopardy.

Second, the weather continues to be depressing. It's cold. It's windy. Things are growing slowly. It's not spring.

Third, my next door neighbors have again started off the "outdoor" season by playing their music too loudly. The good thing is I actually met the guy over the winter and we chatted so approaching him about the music shouldn't be that big of a deal. Right? Ha! I *hate* this type of issue -- an issue that shouldn't be an issue at all if people are reasonable.

Ron has been dead almost 21 months. It's pushing two years. Living in this house, though, is holding me back from moving on. Though I've replaced the kitchen table set and area rug underneath in the kitchen, and the recliner and the sofa in the living room, with a new area rug on order, it is still Ron's house. I hate going down those treacherous (to me) stairs to do laundry. I hate having to go downstairs in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. I pretty much hate living here. I continue to be sad a good part of the time.

Gas is at an all-time high of $4.00 a gallon, give or take a few cents. Purchasing the Ford Escape, which is only getting 23 MPG, when I did was a bad idea, but I don't regret it. I love it.

My dear friend Elsie died about three weeks ago. On the night of her wake, we got word that Lady (her paternal aunt) died. Elsie was 74. Lady 97. There's been too much sadness in Greenville for me.

The Winter of 2010-2011

This will be a winter to remember. I am glad it's the second winter without Ron instead of the first. I've lived here long enough now that I'm handling the issues well. We've had 7 snowstorms in 7 weeks. The snow is not melting. It's building up on roofs. Roofs are collapsing. A lot of people have leaks; water just running down walls. I do too. ::big sigh:: The ice is so built up on the gutters that melting snow further up the roof has no where to go except under shingles and into window jambs. It started a few days ago with the TV room window overlooking the backyard and this evening it started in the front of the house. Water is coming in the eyebrow window, running down the wall to the front foyer and also running down the spaces in the upstairs wood floors to the front hallway below. I'm using sheets and blankets to soak up the water on the second floor and a bucket to catch the water that gets by the blankets.

If I hear one more, "Oh I just love snow and winter," from somebody, I will lose my temper... big time!

Winter 2011

Christmas was a month ago. Like other events in life at my age, it seems as if it could have been last week or 6 months ago. It all depends on my mindset at any given moment. Ever since Christmas weekend we have had winter full force. Lots of snow. Lots of very cold, below average, temperatures. I can almost hear the propane pouring into the furnace.

I got sick over New Year's weekend, and am still not 100%. It started as a cold caught from Ember. I coughed, sneezed, blew (nose) and felt miserable for close to 2 weeks, actually calling "in sick" one of my days to care for Ember. I'm better but still have a slight ear ache, drippy nose and lots of sneezing.

Next week I have my annual physical with my doc. I actually see a PA who knows me so well she can all but answer the questions she asks of me. Nothing much has changed, other than this not feeling quite well is hanging on. I'm going to ask for an antibiotic, and she'll give it to me. I don't complain or ask for meds much so if I ask, it's probably a good idea.

In another 5 days, it will be the 18-month anniversary of Ron's death. ::big sigh:: What can I say? Though each life is unique, only another widow can relate. My life isn't bad, but it's not as interesting or fun as when Ron was alive. I'm not unhappy nor do I cry incessantly, but I do cry sometimes and I am sad sometimes. I also am aware that if I had the choice of Ron alive but very very ill and in pain, which he would have been (even if he lived another 18 months), or Ron dead, I would choose his death. He would have **hated** a "life" of disability, pain and relying on others for his care. Of course if there was a door #3 where Ron was alive and well, I would choose that.

Nobody has looked at the house since before Thanksgiving. Will it sell this year? I hope so. I can do anything, even continue to live down here, but I don't want to. I want to be close to Ember and I want a newer place, whether I rent or buy, and I want to be close to stores and shopping and friends and volunteer opportunities.

Gas prices have gone sky high again. $3.25 isn't unusual for regular. Oh joy. Just when I'm thinking of buying a crossover vehicle which doesn't get as good mileage as my Focus.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. I have felt great for a few weeks and am very grateful. My "over the worst of Ron's death" continues. I was missing Ron a lot last night when I went to bed. There was nobody with whom to pillow talk, but I talked to him anyway, cried some, got up and walked around the house and then went back to bed and slept very well.

Tony, Bri, Ember and Judy will be here Christmas about 1 PM. We'll have dinner right away and then spend time opening presents. I did not go overboard on Ember this year. I bought her a dollhouse with all the stuff, which is a high-priced item, and then just a few smaller things. I am so happy too that Tony, Bri and Em are planning on spending the night so I'll have them into the evening and Sunday morning. Yeah!!

And New Year's.... I've never been a fan of New Year's Eve but it was nice sitting around trying not to fall asleep with Ron. Actually, I did stay awake until midnight, usually in bed, while Ron slept. New Year's can make me melancholy though. I'll be glad when it is January 2. I've got a good feeling about 2011.

I love you, Ronald. If you have any influence in this world, please help with the sale of the house.

Long Time - No Write

So today I write. It's been a very long time. There's no way I can catch up here with all that's been happening in my life. I'll write as the thoughts come to me..

The house has not sold. In October, a woman from NYC was very interested and looked at the house twice. She still has an interest but her son has told her it's too much of a project for her to take on at her age -- which is 75 years.

Tony and Brianna married on August 6. It was a lovely wedding. Everybody was happy except probably me. I'm sure the pictures taken, which I have not yet seen, show me looking old and unhappy. The date was a week after the one-year anniversary of Ron's death, and I was also still in a place of grief that didn't mesh with being happy about anything or anybody. Also, my thoughts were wrapped around Ember and how her daddy was moving so far away. It just isn't right.

Ember is growing like a weed. She will be 5 years old the end of March. I take care of her two days one week and three days the next, when she spends Tuesday night at my house. She's often full of attitude. It's probably partly due to age and partly due to some of the environment in which she lives.

Autumn around here was a lot of work. I raked and raked and dumped and dumped. There are still a ton of leaves on the grass but I ran out of steam and interest. The plumber was here a couple of times, to the tune of over $500, to fix the draining problem with the washer. Insulation was blown around the sill in the cellar and in the attic. Gutters were installed front and back. I did other work myself, work Ron would have done.

Thanksgiving was spent with Maureen and her crew at Turning Stone. That place has a great buffet. Cara came with me. She and I had been in contact the previous week. It was nice to be together with people I love.

And now it is Christmas. I am psyched this year. Last year was so awful. Even more awful looking back than it was when I lived it. I don't remember much about the day. I don't even remember what I gave people to eat. This year Tony & Brianna will be here along with Em, of course, and Judy. I overbought, but not as bad as last year. The tree is, as usual, too dry but it's also very beautiful. Dinner will be the typical turkey, but it's our favorite.

I still miss Ron. Life isn't as sad. I enjoy many things again, but each night when I go to bed I usually still cry some and so yearn for him.