Moving On

Christmas Day was fine. I can't quite say it was fun because it was too hectic, but it was OK. There was little sadness. Em, Judy, Tony & Brianna were here. Well, Em got here about 1 PM, having already done Christmas at her maternal grandparents. She was pretty much Christmased out so I opened up most of her presents. She glomed onto three things she loved and the rest will be here when she wants them.

Christmas night, Tony, Bri & I played Scattergories. It was fun! It's been years since I've played a board game with Tony.

Tony & Bri left about noon the day after Christmas, after helping shovel the newly-fallen snow. And when they left, I crashed. The day after Christmas can be a down day anyway, but this year it was worse, as could be expected. It hit me that Ron is not here; that all the work to settle the estate did not vanish over the holiday; and that there is still three months of winter left.

Today - Sunday - I am feeling much better. The sun is out, I snipped the tree apart, as Ron did, and removed the stalk that was left. What a great way to remove a real tree without making a mess through the house. I am now taking a break from cleaning up the usual disarray that follows Christmas.

Tony and Bri are getting married August 6. ::BIG SIGH:: I really can't get into it. Come spring, maybe.

Need to return to cleaning.

Christmas Eve

I'm alone tonight and it's fine with me. Tony is working his usual second shift. Tomorrow will be the day when family comes.

Tonight, though, it's just me and my thoughts of Ron. Ron and I had three Christmases together, only two of them as a married couple. We didn't have time to establish customs so for me Christmas is not a time of more sorrow than a week or a month ago.

I missed Ron last week, I miss Ron today, I'll miss Ron next week.

There have been so many changes in my life -- as in anybody's life -- that it truly does not bother me to be alone tonight. If I could make yet another change, it would be to have Ron here, doing what we do in the evening, but that's not going to happen so being with myself is the next best thing.

Tomorrow Tony, Brianna, Judy and Ember will be here. Because of the transition state of the house, I'm not doing a typical sit down turkey dinner (another change in my life). I didn't get out the Christmas dishes. There are no special tablecloths or napkins. There will be no set time to eat. I will have two casseroles, pepperoni bread, salad, finger foods, and nice rolls and people can eat what they want when they want.

I over bought this year big time. I had the money and spent it. Next year will be different. I may still have the money, but I will be more conservative because I can't continue to spend as if the money will never run out.

So Merry Christmas to us all. Life could be better but it could also be worse. I am a lucky person to have as my granddaughter the lovely child who appears at the top of this post.

What I Do

I started this blog almost two years for myself as a way to track what I do every day. Obviously I haven't done much tracking at all, let alone daily. So for today I am blogging what I have done and what I will do.

Up at 6:30; had coffee; checked email; wrote to a couple of friends; posted to Facebook; played a couple of farm games on Facebook.

Showered, did hair but no make up 'cause it is only Greenville! LOL Dressed; stripped and remade bed; put Em's clothes away in an empty drawer in Ron's dresser.

Fed outdoor cats; played with and petted Penny-the-Cat who is missing Clunker (who is away for the weekend with Tony).

8:45: Got the car out; emptied garbage; got paper from road; went to Dollar General (not open); went to Just a Buck (not open); went to post office (open!); back to Just a Buck and shopped for a few minutes; went to grocery store and spent over $30 on groceries.

9:30: Back home and brought mail and purchases into the house; put car away; filled the two bird feeders; filled the garbage can where I keep the supply of bird seed with 25# of sunflower seeds; tossed empty seed sacks in garbage.

Put groceries away. Ate a bowl of cheerios. Did shoulder exercises/stretches. Started to make an apple cake: peeled apples, pre-heated oven, measured dry ingredients, mixed butter with sugar, added flour and then other dry ingredients and vanilla, added apples and walnuts and filled pan.

While doing the cake watched and listened to a TLC show about house flipping.

Washed dishes dirtied from cake making; took apart stove top and cleaned everything; cleaned Advantium stove exterior; cleaned refrigerator exterior; cleaned dish washer exterior.

Emptied two bottom shelves in the bathroom and then.....

Took a break by: going on line to check bank balances; checked email; checked Facebook; responded to a comment on FB; played FarmTown. Played a couple of games on Pogo.

(And of course, in between I'm blogging 'cause I can't do much without writing it down or I forget.)

Heated up left over mac & cheese for lunch; took apple cake from oven and after cooling, put it on a plate; cleaned bathroom shelves; sorted, tossed and put back all the stuff; cleaned out the medicine cabinet, rearranging items for maximum efficiency.

Cleaned oven -- OOPS.. lol.. cleaning means pressing two buttons on the oven controls.

1:30 to 2:30 PM: Spaced out on the couch with a book, the TV and some napping. I was tired, cranky and missing Ron so much that I got crying.

2:30: Cooked glaze for apple cake and drizzled it on. A time-consuming task 'cause it has to be done slowly. Did more dishes. Then I started wrapping presents. Lord I've got a lot of presents and I'm no where near done.

4:30: Picked up mess from wrapping and called girlfriend for a good chat that lasted an hour.

5:30: Pretty much my day is done. Time to think of something for supper (toast and cereal soudns good), and then relax, if it's possible, for the rest of the evening.

Snow, Holidays, Life in General

Life has been busy as usual. It seems I start off many of my posts like that. Oh well....

Thanksgiving was a good day. The plan to meet family at Turning Stone in Central New York was a great one. The food was as good as home made; there was some entertainment; I had fun losing $40 in the slots. I followed that up with a visit to Maureen's house, leaving early Sunday morning.

The accountant FINALLY came through with the corporate taxes. I am so relieved and just hope there is no problem with them.

Tony is engaged!!! On Sunday he got down on one knees in front of Brianna and her entire family and asked her to marry him. It was a formality because they are already planning the wedding, but she didn't have the ring until Sunday. I'm happy for them. She's a lovely woman and it is what it is. I can't worry about things that I formerly might have worried about.

Ember has pink eye. It was diagnosed today. Oh joy. LOL She's been a sweetheart. This is a golden age. She's 3-3/4 years old and is total love and fun. A couple of weeks ago she got her hair cut. I think she looks cuter than ever and much older.






Em did 8 weeks of Soccer Tots and on January 4th, will move up 2 levels because of her age and overall maturity. She listens well, follows directions with no problem, and can easily do the simple things she was taught at the beginning level.

It's been over 4 months since Ron died. It's easier than it was but I never stop missing him and wishing he were here. Today has been particularly filled with missing him because we had 7" of snow and there were problems plowing the driveway. The man to whom I gave Ron's plow truck in exchange for plowing the driveway got the truck stuck back by the pole barn. I had to call Ron's nephew to finish the plow job. Ron, of course, would have done the job in his fashion: slow but very thorough. It's not going to be done nearly as thoroughly ever again. I hope that next year at this time I'm living back up where I came from with a normal driveway - not one that is close to 400' in total.

Yesterday I bought a Christmas tree and Tony helped me carry it in. It's up with lights on waiting for Miss Em to come tomorrow and help me decorate it. This will take a lot of patience on my part because we all know that little ones don't decorate the way adults like it done! LOL

I ache all over from shoveling. I took it slow, bending my legs and lifting with them rather than my back, but I'm not used to using my arms, shoulder and leg muscles like that.

Weather - Well, it snowed! It's warming up and melting, but all that means is when it goes below 32 degrees tonight, it will all freeze.

Gas prices - They're about $2.83 in town and $2.71 in Glenmont.

Exercise - I've done no formal exercise. That about sums it up.

Random thoughts - I miss Ron all the time. It's a constant steady ache without the extreme intensity I've had in the past. I still cry at odd moments. I can't go through his closet yet. I got something out of it this morning and immediately closed the door. I cannot believe I won't ever see my Ron again.

Nothing New

My funk went away mid-week. When I come out of the bad days, I come out better than before I went into them. Maybe that's why it's called working through the grief. Not feeling so great tonight. The evenings are so long and this time of year dark so early. Wish I could sleep until January 4th.

I miss ya, Ron. It's been a long time.

Not so Good

The past few days have been filled with melancholy. I miss Ron so much and it hurts more than in the first month when I was still numb. I want the game to end but I know it's not time yet.

Not in the Mood

I was going to write because it's been a week. Now that I'm here, I'm not in the mood so I'll post Ember in the leaves. These were taken last month at Sacandaga Reservoir

Tired...

I'm really tired today, mentally and physically. Picked Em up at her house yesterday morning, anticipating taking her to Soccer Tots. She was sick with a low-grade fever and minor cold symptoms so no soccer for her. She felt good, though, so I brought her down here, stopping at Panara's for bagels on the way, at her request. We went to Bryant's and got the mail before finally coming home.

We played outside a little but she was low energy which made it easy on me. There wasn't the usual motor mouth or running like crazy. Below is a picture of Em sitting in the new wheelbarrow. I pushed her all around the yard and driveway. She thought it was great!


Em was really an angel all day yesterday; took a 2-hour nap; went to bed with no problem.

Sooooooooo don't know why I'm wiped out. I just am and once the people who are coming at 1 PM to give me an idea on renovating the gun room leave, I'm going to get into comfy loungy-type pants and be a slug.

Estate matters are still cropping up. Probate Court requires so many records. Hell, if we didn't have a will, Probate wouldn't even be involved. I'd get everything and that's the end.

Word around here is that we're going to have a real bad winter, filled with snow and cold temps. Oh joy. I can see my savings dwindling at the thousand dollar a month heating bills. Wouldn't it be wonderful if the house sells before the winter of 2010-11?

Three Months

Three months ago today, Ron died.

At this time on July 31, he had about 13 hours of life left.

At this time 3 months ago, I was watching him sleep, having spent the night at the hospital with him.

At this time 3 months ago, I was planning my morning: what time to go home for food, shower, clean clothes, a trip to the bank for money and return to the hospital.

At this time 3 months ago, I realized that Abby, who was going to relieve me about 7 AM, would not be able to get onto the ward because its closed off for an hour during shift change so I called lher.

At this time 3 months ago, I knew Ron was dying, but I didn't know that later in the day he and I would make the decision to remove the vent and thus hasten his death from a couple of days to a couple of hours. That decision, jointly made, will always haunt me and bring me to a grinding halt.

In all honesty, though, the loss is not as difficult as it was one month out or two months out. It's different, and I am adjusting to the new normal. Sometimes the tears come out of no where. Sometimes I go all day without crying. Ron being dead is no longer the first thing I think of when I wake. Then, of course, it hits me within a few minutes and I'm so sad.

I think my mind has gone numb, almost like the first days after his death, because obsessive thoughts of him don't haunt me on an hourly basis. I am adjusting???? I don't know. It is what it is, and if I'm less anguished because of the passage of time, I'm not going to question the gift or its reason.

The tears for him will never stop completely, but as much as I wanted the world to stop when he died, it didn't, and as I've said before, short of taking my own life (not an option) my life didn't stop either. I like to think that Ron's helping me heal so I don't cry as much. My tears always made him feel helpless and hurt for me, and if, wherever he went, he has any realization of me and my life, he would do anything to make me feel better.

Rain Rain...

Rain rain go away. It is pouring outside today. Guess it's to be expected this time of year.

I've been feeling pretty good this week. Sunday was a bit touch and go because I attended a brunch birthday party for Gary and it was the first non-family social occasion I've been to since Ron died. I was fine 99% of the time because I sat with interesting people and we had good conversation. If I let my mind wander even the littlest bit, I'd feel the tears forming. On the way home and into the afternoon, I let all the tears out I had held back, and some more.

Em had soccer tots Monday. She loves it and had a good time. I brought her down here for a scheduled overnight but ended up calling her mom to take her home because Em got into a crying jag. She's had a lot of issues/stress in her life recently. Grandpa Ron died. Grandma Marla cried a lot (I now can control it 99% of the time when with Ember). Grandma Pam has been sick and in the hospital. Mommy had carpel tunnel surgery last week. Em spent two nights at my house last week, over the weekend went down to New Rochelle, Sunday was back at her mom's and then Monday -- the breakdown day -- she was back down here with me. Too much for a little girl. We'll try a night down here Monday next week.

So much has been accomplished with Ron's estate. All the major vehicles have been sold. The remaining big thing is the pontoon boat. The gun room is all but empty. I've done as much with the clock room as I can. I'll decide later on what to do with clock parts. I don't want to toss them if someone can use them.

I'm looking to hire someone to work on the gun room so I can paint it and make it into a bedroom for Ember. But then again, maybe I'll just paint it and leave it empty. So much has been accomplished that I may put the house on the market next spring instead of the spring of 2011.

Gas prices are going up again.

The Continuing Business of Death

Panic set in for a brief moment yesterday when I got a notice from the NYS Workers' Compensation Board that Ron's business owes $16,000 in penalties. Jezumcrow! Turns out the business (and therefore me and Ron's brother) would owe penalties for non-compliance because no workers' comp insurance has been carried since the end of July but.... duhh... the business closed when Ron died, so there are no employees. The local insurance agency will take care of the problem and hopefully I'll hear nothing more.

Also, the business (i.e. ME), needs to notify the NYS Department of Taxation & Finance that the bucket truck is no longer on the road, or even owned by Ron, and therefore does not owe over-the-road tax.

When I married Ron I was adamant about not getting involved in the business. I knew it was not run well, but had no idea how badly it was run. Had I gotten involved, I could have avoided some of the issues I'm now facing. I just never know when something else will crop up. It makes me very uneasy.

I've been posting to a message board/forum for widows, and have "met" a great woman. It's not often I click with someone, but when I do, it's like a gift. It's too bad that what brought us together is the death of our respective husbands.

This past Monday Em had her first class at Soccer Tots. She is THRILLED with it and as we walked out the door after class, she asked if she could ever come back. LOL Well, yah, cause Grandma paid for 8 weeks of classes and will re-up her at the end.

Tomorrow I'm taking Em and her mom to the Children's Museum in Saratoga. Em calls it the museum park and just loves it. After I'll take them to lunch and then Em's coming down here for the afternoon. Tomorrow evening she's going downstate with Tony to see Brianna.

I've had a few good days in a row. Not many tears; little intense grief. I miss him. I hate being alone in this house and on this property, but it is what it is and I'm not one to give up.

A Walk in the Woods

I headed back to the woods this afternoon looking for Ron. Our house (and when does one stop saying "our" and "we"?) sits at the front of 12 acres of land. Some of it is cleared; most is still forest. This time of year in Upstate New York, near the Catskill Mountains, it is so beautiful back in the woods. There are bright yellow, gold and red leaves still on the trees, but enough have fallen that the sunlight can again pour down to the ground as it does in spring before the leaves form their canopy. Everything is sort of glistening with the brightness of the sunlight on the leaves. The forest is open because the ground plants have all but died off, and it's easier to walk through the trees than at high summer.

Ron is back in the woods, some place. I kicked through a good 4 inches of crunchy leaves and I felt him there. He was a great outdoorsman. He literally could live off the land. He could start a fire with stones and wet leaves if necessary. He knew what plants were edible and what were not. He was a very good hunter (not my piece of cake but oh well..) and if he had to, he could have fed us from that. He could build shelters from almost nothing, or anything, and pretty much was prepared for whatever might come his way.

I was in need of him today so headed out beyond the back garage into the woods and felt calm and peaceful. With just a little bit of imagination, he could have stepped out from behind a tree and given me a hug. It didn't happen, of course, but for a few minutes, I was alone in the woods, not another sound but that of a squirrel, and Ron was there too.

I am doing fairly well. There were a few days last week into the weekend that were tough, but I woke up Sunday feeling better -- less grief stricken -- and so far it's stuck. I know the heaviness will return, but I hope that it decreases each time and stays away longer.

Damn!

Below is a post I made to a message board for widows to which I belong:
______________________________

I've been doing really well, until now, though I suppose technically I'm still doing well. I still shower and dress. I take care of the house inside. I take care of the house outside. I take care of my granddaughter 2-3 days a week. My son, who is living with me through the winter, is getting my approval even when I might not approve, and he's certainly not here often enough to give me the help he said he would. I take care of my cat and now the stray that my son asked if he could adopt. I give support to my best friend whose husband has serious health problems. I give rides to my friend's kids when she's not available. You get the idea.

I doubt I'm doing anything unusual. Most if not all of us are doing for others because we have the obligations and usually want to. Those of you with children are always doing and giving. You more than anyone have to quell the desire to SCREAM, weep and fall apart at the drop of a hat for the sake of your children.

But ya know what? We're not getting filled up any more. We're not being nurtured any more. The creek is running dry and there's not much water coming down. My husband is gone forever, and he was the person who filled me with love and support so I could easily do what had to be done.

It's gotten to me. All I want to do is crawl under the covers and stay there for a very long time. My body's giving out a little bit. I've had intestinal problems and had a 12-hour bug Friday into Saturday with a high fever, vomiting, sore throat and shortness of breath. Nothing like being sick and not having Ron here.

For the first time since Ron died 10 weeks ago, I am feeling sorry for myself. I recognize it. I accept it. I'm wallowing in it. I'm feeling sorry for myself because there is nobody to fall back on. It's me, myself and I, and I hate it!! I hate raking the leaves by myself and wheelbarrowing them back to the woods. Oh, and the wheelbarrow broke. I hate that I have to go to the local lumber company and buy a new one. I hate that I had to turn off the water to the outside so it doesn't freeze. I hate that I had hook up the roof defroster wiring in anticipation of winter. I hate that I have to arrange to get the canopy swing taken apart and put away in the back garage for the winter. I hate that I have to do this and then cook, do dishes, do laundry, vacuum, dust, put up plastics at the window, take care of 2 cats and continue to peck away at the stuff that Ron left behind after living in this house for 30+ years.

I hate having to do it all, and I am a very capable woman. What do women do who don't have the resources or ability to slog along getting the work done?

I'm thinking that I am going to pay me back by taking a trip in January. A trip to somewhere warm, away from snow and ice. Ron and I never did winter vacations. We traveled in the summer and fall so it won't bring back memories. I'll create new memories that are just for me. Alone... and I hate that thought but I will do it anyway.

So those of you with more than 10 weeks experience of not having a husband (I freakin' hate the "W" word and will probably never attend one of the conferences because it's labeled with that word!!! Camp Widow next August? Camp Widow? Boy is that depressing sounding), have you done something good for yourself such as traveling?

Henry Hudson; Leaves of Autumn

What a rush it is to sit in the 36-paned window in the TV room and look out over the backyard watching the leaves blow from the trees, dancing in the air, twirling, skittering and barely finding a resting place on the ground before being swept up again by the wind. I can also easily watch the birds at the bird feeder. It is lovely and the sun has just come out to bring light to what has been a dank day up until now.

From Sunday to Wedneday night, I was deeply wrapped in my grief. I was depressed, and recognized the signs. I knew it was temporary so I went with the sadness. I woke up Thursday morning with an entirely different attitude. I went shopping and met my friends for our usual first-Thursday-of-the-month dinner.

Part of the order I had brought up to Albany for framing was ready Thursday. The 16x24 portrait of "Henry Hudson" is absolutely gorgeous. Long story short about this is back in the last 1980s, Ron was the model for Henry Hudson, a portrait being drawn by the artist Constance DelVecchio Maltese who had been commissioned to draw portraits of great explorers through the ages. Henry Hudson was one of the 12 explorers she drew. (To see all the explorers, go to this web site: http://cmaltese.homestead.com/AgeofDiscovery.html) Because Ron looks so much like the historic pictures of Hudson, he was her model. This year is the 400th anniversary of Henry Hudson discovering what is now New York City and sailing up the Hudson River to Albany. In observance of this celebration, Hudson's portrait as painted by Constance was revived and put on postcards and posters. Constance also had a few 16x24 inch canvas portraits made up to be hung in prominent restaurants in towns along the Hudson River, and she gave one of them to me. It is below, all framed and ready for hanging. It looks so much like Ron it's uncanny, though the expression on "Henry's" face is more somber than Ron's.


What a thoughtful present to give me. This picture will be a family treasure that I will make sure returns to Greenville to go to a family member when I die.

I Am So Tired

My husband died 2 months ago. We were married for just 2-1/4 years. When we met, he was widowed and I was divorced. It was literally love at first sight, and we were both so grateful for this second chance at love.

When a couple is married for just a few years, there is much that is not jointly owned. Therefore, to satisfy the probate court of New York State, I've had to do an inventory of Ron's stuff, as I fondly, and sometimes crossly, call his belongings.

Now that I've been named executrix of the estate, I can also sell whatever I want of his stuff. I'm not talking about selling personal belongings. I'm talking about the big-boy toys and work-related equipment he owned. Big things that hold no sentimental value for me and that have to be liquidated before I can put the house on the market because they are taking up room in the house and on the property.

It's exhausting. Ron was a hunter and had dozens of guns. He also collected knives and clocks and marbles and fishing rods and..... stuff! He had big-boy toys, such as a bucket truck, a backhoe, a pick-up truck with a plow blade, a diesel work truck, a pontoon boat, a canoe, a full-fledged Indian tepee that he had made (he wasn't an Indian but when younger, often did extreme wilderness camping) to name a few of the bigger things. I've had to inventory, get estimates of value, and am finding buyers for everything.

I'm tired physically, mentally and emotionally. I'm tired of sorting, tossing and negotiating with potential buyers. I'm tired of doing all the work in and outside the house. I clean inside. I rake leaves, mow the lawn and am starting to prepare for winter outside. I'm tired of the additional chores brought on by the coming of winter: getting a large supply of bird seed; ordering rock salt for the driveway and walkways; arranging for the installation of an auto-start generator; measuring windows for plastic coverings; having the furnace serviced; negotiating with someone to plow the very long (200+ feet) driveway. I'm tired of paying all the bills and worrying alone about the cost of heating this 217-year-old house this winter. I'm tired of calling the service guy twice to fix the dryer, something Ron could have done because that was part of the business he owned.

I estimate it will be 18 months before the house is ready to be put on the market, and I anticipate almost constant work to reach that goal.

I feel as if I'm continually giving Ron away, but I know I can't keep all this stuff. I had no need for his leased pick-up truck nor could I afford the monthly lease payments. I have no need for shot guns or pistols. I have no need for a bucket truck or a backhoe. And how many grandfather clocks can one person have? But each time someone says, "I'll buy..." I weep.

He spent his entire life acquiring these things that he enjoyed -- that made his life fulfilling, and boy did he have a full life -- and I will eradicate them in a fraction of the time. It doesn't seem right but it's got to be done.

All I want is to go to bed, lay my head on his shoulder and cry.

It Doesn't Really Get Better

I want to scream and throw things. Screaming alone doesn't help all that much.

When a husband dies, it is not like other relatives dying. My mother died when I was 30; my father died 10 months later when I was 31. I was sad. I felt abandoned and alone, but I was not lonely for them as I am for Ron.

Losing the one person in the whole world who loves and accepts you just the way you are is at times unbearable. I'll hang in, and I'll be fine, but getting there is a passage that only another woman whose husband has died can understand. Each person's story is different, but if the marriage was good and there was love and contentment, those of us left behind know what it's like.

I miss Ron so much. The extreme longing comes in waves. I might not feel it for a couple of days, then I have a couple of days where I am ambushed every hour on the hour.

Working Hard

Lots has happened the past week. I was finally named executor of Ron's estate, which means I can start selling things. There are people interested in all the vehicles, from bucket truck to backhoe.

Yesterday the GMC dealership in Catskill bought out the remainder of the lease on Ron's truck with me paying a small amount toward the purchase compared to the entire lease payout. I was very relieved to no longer have that hanging over my head, but it was very sad to give up Ron's truck.

Today I turned Ron's vanity plates to DMV. That was even sadder because Ron had those plates for years and years. It's as if I'm slowly eliminating all evidence of his existence. It breaks my heart.

Somebody this morning said, "Ron's probably in a better place than we are." HUH?? Helllooo... My husband is dead. Don't tell me he's in a better place. My response to this person was, "He's not in a better place and he should still be here with me." Death is not better!

One of Ron's daughters and son come tomorrow to pick up big items that belong in the family. I also have Em down here. It should be interesting. :--)

I continue to work on cleaning out things. I can't see the time where I won't be cleaning out things, and I mean that literally. I estimate it will take at least 12 to 18 months to get rid of everything that has to go. I dread starting the attic. It's dark. It's either hot or cold. The ceiling is very slanted, and there are nails sticking through from roof shingles being nailed. The stairs are steep and narrow. It is full of stuff. It's dangerous. For that chore I may hire somebody to help me.

I really should write every day because these few paragraphs don't relate, and I obviously don't remember, what I do every day, and one of the reasons for starting this blog was for me to remember what I do in my life.

Ember was here Friday through Sunday morning. Brianna came up Saturday so I had a full house with Tony, Bri and Em. It was a good time, but when they all left at 9:30 Sunday morning, I breathed a sigh of relief. I had peace and quiet back again.

Sunday night I went to Elsie's for supper. I was glad I went but it was sad. When I got home, I didn't put my car in the garage because Ron wasn't there. Every Sunday after Elsie's I'd ride back to the garage with him, and we'd walk back in the dark holding hands. It tears my heart apart not to have his hand to hold.

Monday I made 4 trips to the post office and one trip to the bank. I had to copy, get things notarized send registered mail, pack a box to sent to Montana and .... I forget what else.

Changes....

Just changed the outgoing message on the answering machine, thus replacing Ron's voice with mine. A giant step forward I guess. Whatever label I place on it, I know it was time, and I've been following my gut feelings in this whole moving forward thing.

Ron's voice has been saved, though. I ran the outgoing message while taking a video of the answering machine with my cell phone. The video feature has sound. I did this three times to ensure I had at least one good recording. I sent the video to my email address for downloading. It makes me smile to think that I can hear Ron's voice whenever I want.

Sharp Reminders; I Hate This

There are reminders all over of Ron, but the worst one, the one that hits me deep with emotions, is the new garbage can sitting outside the house. We never had garbage pick up at the house because we always used the dumpster that was, first, outside the store on Main Street, and when Ron closed the business, was moved to the apartment building he owned. Now that the apartment belongs to his offspring, it is no longer mine to use so I've contracted with the company that most people in this area use.

It is a big, ugly green can on wheels. I've rolled it here and there, trying to find a compromise between keeping it out of sight and having it live where it's easy to get it to the road. Nothing works. Short of keeping in a garage, 150 from the road, it can be seen. If Ron were here, he'd build a house for it (at my request), but if Ron were here, it wouldn't be needed.

I've had many days in a row of feeling pretty good. There have been some tears and continued thoughts of Ron's last couple of months, but I've been good. Today, though, is bad. It's bad because of the new garbage can. It's bad because there is so much work to do. It's bad because I want Ron back to help me do all that has to be done -- but then if he were here, there wouldn't be the work. It's bad because I went to Elsie's for supper Sunday and the ride up is sad because we always always always did it together!!

Labor Day

Labor Day makes me think of being a child with the knowledge that school starts in a couple of days. Even as an adult, I used to get a feeling of pleasure thinking about notebooks, paper, pencils and text books.

This year I feel sorrow. As I watch the leaves fall, I think of how Ron and I usually worked together to rake them into mounds, pile them into the wheelbarrow and dump them back in the woods. Not this year.

Yesterday got emotionally bad for me. Ron's absence was glaringly apparent, and by late afternoon until I went to bed, I did a lot of crying.

The ups and down of grieving surprise me a little. When I have a day or two where, for the most part, I'm pretty good, it blindsides me to have a hours like I did yesterday where the pain is overwhelming.

I'm back to sleeping on the couch. I'll have to stop that by the end of this week because Tony moves in Saturday and when he gets home from work at 12:30 AM, he'll want to relax before going to bed by watching TV.

I may go shopping up to Crossgates today. It will be something to do, and I need a few things for winter. I may have to pay full price but the choice of boots and coats will be at its highest right now. I also need a few household things from Target.

Watching the news about Swine flu is scary. It's already making a big negative impact on college campuses. I suspect before to long, we'll see people in grocery stores and shopping centers wearing masks.

Time to start my day.

Melancholy in Change of Seasons

Shadows are long and come earlier each day. Leaves are dropping from the trees almost like raindrops, floating down in lazy circles, falling dry on the ground, begging to be crunched under foot.

It makes my melancholy worse. The change in season from Summer to Fall has always made me melancholy, and this year is, of course, much worse. Missing Ron is constant, though sometimes it's hazy and obscure, sitting in the back of my mind when I am busy as I continue to work on the estate.

This weekend is the beginning of what I label the holidays: three-day weekends leading into the true holidays. There is Labor Day, Columbus Day weekend, Halloween (which is a big deal to Ron), Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's. I wish I could go to bed and sleep until January 2. Labor Day weekend is turning out to be difficult; I miss Ron so much. I can imagine how much worse it will be as the season progresses.

Estate issues, though continuing to be great, are falling into place. With any luck, I should be officially named executrix of the estate within three weeks and then can seriously tackle the big job of liquidating that which is not sentimental or useful to me or anybody in the family. Nobody has any feeling for the backhoe or the bucket truck. Well, actually, I do have sentimental feelings for the bucket truck because Ron loved using it and anything that made him happy made me happy. He was like a 7-year-old boy with a new toy. Below are pictures of him taken in May 2007. With help from the guys, he was lifting a stove onto his pontoon boat to take up to camp. Click on the pictures to enlarge them. In the first picture, you can see the stove just about to be set into the boat.






Gotta admit, the pictures are pretty awesome! I always admired, and always will, his interest in so many things and throwing himself into enjoying them. He did nothing halfway, including loving me. There was never one moment in our relationship, from the very first week of knowing each other, that I doubted his love. He showed it in so many ways.

Passage of Time

It seems like months since Ron died, and it's only a month tomorrow. I'm glad I do lists of things to do and keep them, even when everything is crossed off, because I refer to them on the days I feel nothing has been accomplished to affirm that I have accomplished a lot. The to-do lists grow and grow, though. Every day brings new issues to address, some of which are causing me to lose sleep.

Today, though, is Sunday, and the issues to address are business related and can't be attended to today. Sooooo I will clean! I'll finish cleaning the bedroom Tony is going to use and make up the bed. Tony will have to take apart the crib that Em still insists she sleep in, though she's way too big for it. Not quite sure where Em will sleep now but we'll figure it out. Maybe I'll buy an air mattress to put in my bedroom for her. Maybe I'll get Ron's gun room totally cleared and painted and make that into a bedroom for Ember. Ha... that will take weeks to do.

Ron's toothbrush got tossed Friday evening. I'd been thinking about it for a week and took the plunge. Throwing out something as simple as a toothbrush is a big step. He's not coming back, dammit.

Pictures of Ember

On Monday of this week, my sister and I took Em to her local park for a picnic and play. Em was delighted to find kids near her age, even if they were boys. Actually, she likes playing with boys, and the dirt on her arm in this first picture came from playing touch football. The smile says it all!

Riding her big wheel in the fountain area.

Just walking with the ball.

Pushing the tire swing, which is empty.

I'm a Fraud.... a Counterfeit Resident

I just climbed the stairs to the second floor..to our bedroom. Each step I climbed reminded me that Ron climbed these stairs thousands and thousands of times over the past 30+ years. I have lived in this house just under 2-1/2 years, accruing many fewer climbs than Ron, and I am now its lone resident and owner. What is wrong with this picture?

It makes me feel like a fake, a fraud. How is it that I now own this big old house and the 12 acres that accompany it? Who am I?

My one big fear is that I will learn to love it before it can be sold. It will be difficult to leave it anyway, though I don't now love it, because it is the home of our memories. It is the owner of my marriage. It is Ron. He walked every board on these old floors. He touched every surface. He looked out each window and saw the change of seasons for years and years and years.

And now it is me, all alone, who walks the floors, looks out the windows and climbs the stairs to our bedroom.

It's been a tough few days. Today was better. I've had a lot of anger and sadness. I cried, sobbed, screamed and even threw a few things. At the end of yesterday, though, which was a most horrible day, I realized that as bad as the issues are, as much chaos Ron has left in his passing, he also left me a most wonderful legacy, that of good will that I am able to call upon. Everybody has good feelings about Ron: respect, like, love, admiration, high regard. And he was MY guy! By association, I can claim the good will he unknowingly cultivated. I am most lucky.

Why?

It just hit me again big time that Ron's gone. It happened so quickly. The obituary said, "short illness," and that is so correct. I miss you, Ron. You were supposed to come home and we thought we would have months, maybe a year or more, before the inevitable occurred. But you kept going down hill. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED????

Mourning ... Still

This time of the day, whether it be weekends or weekdays, is very difficult for me. We usually ate about 5:30 and just about now I'd be getting supper on the table. As much as I disliked cooking, we had our ritual of suppertime, and I would give most anything to experience that ritual again. It's been a long time, though, because once Ron started chemo, the whole food thing changed. He didn't eat or he'd sleep in, therefore pushing meals hours ahead of usual time.

I sit here looking at the recliner. I hate that recliner, but it held Ron when he was so fatigued he could barely move. A hug, a kiss, a wink, the touch of our hands, me sitting here at the laptop while he dozed in the chair -- I miss it all... I want it back...

Sometimes all I want to do is talk about Ron but I want to talk about how we were together, things that others don't necessarily want to hear nor do I really want to share them. Anybody who's married knows about the private things that couples share. The rituals. I miss the rituals of being married. I miss walking up behind him as he sat at the kitchen table, leaning down to kiss his neck and then rubbing it. I miss the way he'd reach out for me and hug me to him. I miss DVRing his favorite shows. I miss sharing a bed with Ron. I miss the 'dance' we did in the mornings when we were both in the bathroom. I miss the sound of his big shoes on the wooden floors. I miss knowing that if something went wrong, he could fix it! Ron could fix anything.

Miss miss miss... I want it all back... and it's not gonna happen.

I keeping hoping I'll dream about Ron and remember, but I don't. Makes me sadder than I am.

Mourning

Life goes on and the world continues to spin, but it's a lot more difficult for me to participate with Ron gone. Sorrow comes out of no where. I can be fine for hours because I'm busy and then I slow down, and it all comes crashing around me. I do not recommend this to anybody. Being a survivor (I refuse to use the "W" word because I consider myself still married) is horrible.

It's bad enough that there are reminders in every part of the house, but then I do something alone that we always did together, and a new rush of hurt spirals into my spirit. It was 3 weeks yesterday that Ron passed so everything is still very fresh.

Death is work for those left behind. I tell everybody with whom I talk to make sure your records are set up and maintained about what to do if your spouse dies. Do you know your spouse's SS number? Retirement system number? Was he in the service? What about life insurance policy numbers? I had good records and even then, it's been a tremendous amount of work. Arranging a funeral, making phone calls, filling in forms, reading sympathy cards, writing thank you notes for flowers and donations in Ron's name. For the first week there's an almost never-ending amount of work to do, and then it kind of all slows down the second week, which is when I kicked into a manic phase of physical work. Mow the lawn, fill in the potholes in the driveway, move piles of dirt, vacuum the house, dust, clean, wash floors. I was up and going 18 hours a day!

This past week -- week 3 -- I'm kind of crashing. I've lost the energy of last week and don't give a rat's ass if the dishes are done let alone if something is dusty. This is the week I am really mourning; thinking about all the things we did over the time we knew each other; thinking about Ron being sick and them the vent being removed.

I've had people kind of give me pep talks about "chin up" and "looking for things to smile about." BITE ME!! Have your husband die and then tell me 3 weeks later how you feel. There is no time line for grief.

In the still moments of the day, or at the grocery store buying for one instead of two, or trying to put something together, I hurt so much I just give in and cry. I won't cry always; I won't cry forever; but I do cry now. I also laugh with those who knew Ron and we share funny stories.

Ron was very much admired, liked and loved in this small town of Greenville where he had lived his entire 72 years of life. Over 300 people came to the two viewings and/or funeral. Grown men leaned on my shoulder and cried because they will miss him.

I started babysitting for Ember on Thursday. I haven't cared for her in over 2 months, since Ron got so weak and needed me at home. Two + months brings big changes to a 3-year-old. She knows Grandpa Ron is dead. When Michele told her, Em cried and cried and then said he's in the sky like Mufaso (sp?) from the Lion King looking down at us. Even now Em talks about Grandpa Ron in the sky looking down at us, and she dreams about him. Two nights ago Em dreamed that Grandma Ron thanked her for taking care of Grandma Marla and said he loved her. Kids are open to anything. It's wonderful.

Time heals. At our age we know this. We've all had losses and broken hearts. I will not always want to drive off the end of the earth (good things it's round, huh). But right now, I just want my husband back so we can hold hands in the car as we often did, and kiss and hug and share meals and just enjoy life. Enjoying life is the reward for living a long life, and I am lucky to have had a couple of years of living with Ron and enjoying life.

Time Lines

Ron's funeral was two weeks ago yesterday, and I'm already getting "positive" words from people, words of encouragement such as: chin up, think of something to smile about, don't brood, etc.

Are people nuts???? Grief and sorrow have their own time lines. I have hours on end when I'm "OK," relatively speaking. That is I'm not near tears, nor thinking about Ron constantly or how empty the house is and how much I want to touch and kiss him. But there are times when I sob and cry; scream; pound a wall; wonder out loud WHY??

Right now I am not frozen in time, sitting around being depressed. I have the desire and energy -- probably manic energy -- to DO THINGS. Paperwork, going through Ron's hobby stuff (fishing tackle, guns, clocks, etc.). I find it extremely difficult to sit still and am sleeping only 4 hours or so a night, and those are not consecutive hours.

I want to tell anybody who gives me "good advice" or hints at "getting over it" that until they walk in my shoes -- until they lose their husband -- they have no right to tell me how long my grief should last.

Thankfully I know this. I know that grief comes and goes and that even when I appear fine months down the road, I may relapse. And if I'm in a bad moment when someone offers poor advice, I do tell them that grief lasts far longer than a couple of weeks or months.

Death is confusing, embarrassing and scary to some people. They think it's catchy. They are fools, even if they mean well. Thing is, I don't suffer fools easily.

Today was a good day. Ron wasn't around much, so to speak. There were fewer times when I cried or got teary-eyed. But I was very busy. More paperwork; calls to attorney; someone came over to give me estimates on the value of Ron's shotguns/rifles (Ron collected guns). I was vacuuming at 4 AM..... you know how that is... waking up and what 'cha gonna do?

I haven't touched Ron's personal stuff, and I can't even guess when I'll be ready to do that. His toothbrush still sits next to mine. His shoes, and he had a ton of shoes ranging from loafer type to heavy work boots, are still in the kitchen sitting on the rug where they've always lived. His jackets and hats are hanging from the hooks near the back door. I know this is all normal, and it's so comforting to touch his jackets and brush a sleeve against my face.

I suspect there is a grief group up in Albany, but I live 25 miles from there, and to be honest, I'm not a joiner of groups. I've always been a solitary person. I miss Ron so much, I hate not having him in the house to make it our home, but I don't need others around to make it better.

Early Mornings :: It's Been a Month

Sleep beyond 4 AM doesn't happen much any more. Sometimes I go back to dozing, but not the past couple of days.

The days are not getting easier. Ron's here and there, but he's no where. I have reached a stage where I expect to see him on the swing when I drive in the driveway or at the table when I walk in the door, and am so let down when, of course, he's not here.

I weed wacked yesterday morning. It was almost fun. As always, doing yard work makes me feel close to Ron, and I do like the neatness that comes from the effort.

Ron went into the hospital a month ago today. Only a month, but it seems like such a long time ago. How naive we were. He was tired. He had extremely low blood pressure. He had breathing problems. These are fixable, right? Apparently not.

Next week I start taking care of Em again on a flexible but regular basis. Michele said Em asks for me all the time and says she misses me. I miss her too and am looking forward to the routine of what she and I do. I dread not having Ron to leave and come home to. We had our rituals of good-bye and hello and it hurts to have them gone.

When one is half of a couple, the lives are intertwined, no matter how independent they may be. The cycle of leaving and coming together are zones of comfort during the day that go unnoticed for they are common. They are also special.

This is so new to me that if someone asks me, "Are you married," I will respond, "Yes." Ron's dead but I am still married. Don't tell me I am single or widowed. I'm not

Sometimes I can't find Ron in my mind. My mind still thinks he's here so what's the grief all about and why do I have to find him?

The insurance payment from SGLI was received yesterday. It took just one week and one day to get it. It's a relief to have the money to pay for the funeral and seriously address my desire to have installed an automatic-start generator. Wouldn't it be great if we have a mild winter?

I'm in the mood to clean. It's been a while, and other than keeping the kitchen and bathroom clean, I haven't dusted in weeks and it's been a couple of weeks since I vacuumed. Sorta difficult to get excited about a little dust when spending 18+ hours a day in the hospital and then planning a funeral.

Time Marches On

Ron's funeral was a week ago yesterday. These "first anniversaries" are tough to handle. There will be many of them in the next year, and I dread them all.

I've tried to have something planned to do each day of the week. Monday, Joan was here. Pat came for a visit. I mowed the lawn and Abby came while I was doing that.

Tuesday - yesterday - I had lunch with Deb at her house. She has a lovely place, including a great deck overlooking her yard. I was surprised that I enjoyed myself. When I got home, I trimmed some branches from the magnolia tree and started filling in potholes in the driveway. Somebody's got to do it. Kevin came over late afternoon to catalog Ron's fire arms for me and took them to Rich, who has a Federal license.

Today is Wednesday. I'm going to do more outside work before I shower and then head over to Social Security for an afternoon appointment.

Gotta keep busy or else I'd scream and cry a lot. Mornings are better than later on in the day for my emotions being under control. By 4 PM, I am sinking into my grief. As much as I dislike cooking, there is comfort in the ritual of preparing supper and coming together with my husband. Even if we had both been busy during the day and had seen little of one another (before he got sick), I knew that we'd be together for supper, so about 4 PM, when it would be time to start supper, the grief pours over me, and I long for what we had. I miss the rituals loving couples have. Watching TV is agony because Ron isn't here. I watch only those shows I've DVR'd because Ron didn't care about them.

And I talk to him. Anyone who has lost a loved one talks to that person, and I think we all seriously hope for a reply, or at least a sign that they hear us.

Sometimes I still cannot believe that I will never see my husband again. Never again. How is this possible?

Yet Another Day

I just got done mowing the lawn. It makes me feel close to Ron. He likes the lawn neat and was the one who mowed it, until he got too sick. So it's mowed. I really enjoy using the zero turn mower, and Ron got a kick out of my enjoyment and using it.

Today has been a busy day. Trip to the attorney to deliver papers. Errands to the bank and the post office. Phone calls to Prudential regarding Ron's IRA as well as filling in paperwork for life insurance. I also finished up thank you notes. Joan was in this morning and Abby stopped over this afternoon.

All this busy work is good -- and it has to be done -- but at the end of the day, my stomach clenches with yearning for Ron. Each day that goes by is a day too far from when last I saw my guy.

He's Gone

I just re-read the July 22 post to this blog. Since that was written, Ron has died.

Just a week and a couple of days prior to Ron's death on July 31 I was anticipating him coming home. What happened? Why did it happen? Why will I never see Ron again? Never share hugs, kisses, holding hands, enjoying the house, the yard, OUR LIFE.

I can't write about it now. It just is, and I am so lonely I could cry, so I do. I, who have never been lonely much at all, now feel it deeply and almost unceasingly. I miss my husband. I am still married in my heart, and though I know time does help -- after all, I am 60 years old and have experienced many events and issues in my life -- I don't want time to help or this feeling to go away. I want to mourn Ron and miss him and love him then as much as I do now.

It's been very difficult. More difficult than I can put into words. The whole business of dying is difficult. The hospital; the funeral home; the wake; the funeral; the phone calls, both incoming and outgoing; the condolences which are necessary to give and receive but make me cry each time I hear one.

My guy is gone... for good. How can that be? How can someone exist one moment and be gone the next?

Home From the Hospital?

The CT scan did not show the cancer has spread. Pretty much it is confined, though the doctor qualified this by saying that without a contrast CT, which Ron can't have because of his kidneys, nothing is certain.

This was good news!! What was, and is, not good news is that Ron's breathing starting to deteriorate and he was feeling weaker and weaker. An appointment with his kidney doctor on Monday, July 13, revealed that his blood pressure was very low: 75/43 or something like that. We were given advice to help raise it that night at home, none of which worked, so the next morning, after a call so the nephrologist and oncologist, I took Ron to the the ER at Memorial Hospital. He was admitted and has been there ever since. A week today....opps today is now Wednesday so it was a week yesterday.

The hospital stay has been partly nightmare partly OK. I have a list of things that constitute the nightmare part but they are too many and right now I don't feel like writing about them. The OK part probably represents my settling down and accepting that care in hospitals isn't what it used to be.

Ron's blood pressure was brought under control by removing him from his BP medicines. Since he had lost 28 pounds, it was no longer needed. His breathing problems won't go away. He will have good days and bad days. The problem is caused by what the pulmonologist called the "perfect storm" of medical issues, including bad kidneys, cancer, chemo treatments, his age and sleep apenea. One or two of these wouldn't be so bad, but all together they cause a major problem. Oh, his racing heart, which started in the hospital, was brought under control by putting him back on Metoporlol, a beta blocker.

Three times Ron was on the verge of release from the hospital and three times another medical issue has occurred. Today, though, I am confident that the anticipated release will happen.

He is terribly weak. He needs a walker to walk. ::sigh:: When he first used the walker, I almost fell apart, but after yesterday, when he was in so much pain in his lower back that he couldn't get out of bed let alone walk, seeing him use the walker today made me happy because it allowed him to walk.

The lower back pain was the latest issue that kept him from being released. The oncologist thinks the cancer has spread and yesterday ordered a bone scan, the results of which were not available when the doctor did rounds at 3 PM. He thought at rounds yesterday that he might as well do an MRI while Ron was in the hospital, so Ron may have that today. The pain is brought under control with a pain med and it has allowed Ron to sit up on the edge of the bed to eat meals and, as I mentioned, walk!

Soooooooooooo... barring yet another issue, Ron will be released later today.

The first few days he was in the hospital, I was there 11 hours or so each day. That's way too much time, and I was coming home exhausted. I also caught one hell of a cold and I never catch colds. By day 5 of his stay, I was visiting him for 9 hours or so, and sometimes going out in the middle of the afternoon to go shopping or even to run over to see Em for a few minutes.

I miss Ember so damn much. I've gone from caring for her twice a week to not caring for her at all. When I saw her for 15 minutes on Sunday, she came flying at me, jumped into my arms, and kissed and hugged me, not letting me go. A few minutes later when were were making a cherry cake out of mud, she said, as if she were commenting on how nice the day was, "I miss you Grandma Marla, ya know?"

Made me tear up, though I didn't cry in front of her. That was difficult because I've been doing a lot of crying lately. Crying because I miss Em. Crying because I'm afraid that Ron is slowly going down hill. Crying because I miss the old normal and I'm afraid of the unknown that is ahead of us.

I miss Ron so much. This house, which I'm not all that fond of anyway, isn't a home without him. I haven't missed having to cook, though! LOL

Weather - Rain. How many ways can it be spelled or occur? It continues to rain almost every day as if we lived in a rain forest.

Exercise - Does walking to and from a hospital room constitute exercise. Not only have I NOT exercised, I have done nothing but eat junk food. I've gained weight.

Random thoughts - Sometimes I think Ron has given up. Will he ever walk out of this house again without help? How am I going to get him to doctor appointments? Will I ever be able to take care of Ember, even one day a week, again? Will Nolan ever buy the fucking apartment house so we can get that off the "to do" list?

New Normal

Those of us with illness in our lives, whether we are the one who is ill or the caregiver, live with the timetables of tests, results, doctor visits. Ron and I have lived with timetables ever since I met him, but they were usually benign and made us only mildly anxious

This time, though, the timetables of tests, results and doctor visits carry a more serious focus. As a friend said to me -- and something I've said before in my life -- this *is* the new normal, and normal now revolves around life issues that are a hell of a lot more important than whether it will rain on the 4th of July. People who don't have health issues cannot understand what it is to live life with the ceiling of "what if" over one's head.

Ron had a CT scan Monday. We see the oncologist tomorrow for the results. I expect to hear that the four chemo treatments he's had were not enough to contain the cancer. I hope to hear another protocol will be offered. Ron is anxious; more than I've ever seen from him.

We are facing a double whammy right now because he also has chronic kidney failure, and he is showing major signs that chronic has turned into plain ole' failure. He has an appointment with the nephrologist Monday.

So even the new normal might become a newer normal if Ron faces chemo treatments and dialysis. I can't wrap my mind around the logistics of that right now.

Right now, our normal will also mean that I get away for an afternoon once in a while. I have got to have that. Tuesday afternoon of this week Em, Michele and I were supposed to take the Aqua Duck tour of Albany but the company cancelled because of bad weather. Instead we went to the Children's Museum in Saratoga. Em loves the museum, and we enjoyed watching her have a good time.

Actually I am hoping/counting on being able to take care of Em at least one day a week, unti/if Ron gets weaker again. The whole Em schedule has changed too, though. Tony is working a compressed work week on a second shift, going into work about 1 PM. He's pretty much taking care of Ember every morning before work, other than the mornings Em goes to pre-school. So the need to have anybody care for Em all day long is gone. Nonetheless, I am hoping that I can be with her all day every other Monday and a half day each week.

Ron's weakness has lessened quite a bit. The weekend just past had us again thinking, "ER." We waited, though, and he gained some strength, so again he doesn't look very sick. I know he's weak, though, and needs his strength for just sitting up, reading, watching TV and walking in the house. We had a talk of sorts this morning wherein I reminded him that please and thank you were the words people used most often when they ask for something or something is done for them. Yes, even a wife deserves that. It is an acknowledgment by him that I'm at his beck and call.

Weather - So far, this is the summer that isn't. We've had so much rain that I sink in the grass when I walk on it. Corn isn't growing well. Hay is becoming mulch.

Exercise - I've been walking this week than the past couple of weeks. I need the alone time.

Random thoughts - I want my husband back, but I know it will never be the way it was. Actually I know that right now may be the best we have from now on. The sun has come out. What a relief. I turned 60 years old last week. Strange to think how few years I have left to live in relation to how many I have lived.

Twins...

Pictures of The Twins

Rain......

Into each life, a little rain must fall. Ha! Little rain? It's rained almost every day for the past five weeks. We're living in a rain forest. It's beautiful. It's wet. There's a lot of mud, just like in the spring. I'm tired of it.

Ron's feeling better. He didn't get chemo Wednesday because (1) his blood counts weren't very good and (2) his fatigue is just too much for his body to handle another chemo treatment. So it's been two weeks since his last chemo treatment, and Ron's fatigue is lessening, his appetite is increasing and he's joking around and teasing me a little. I'm seeing some of the man I've missed so much.

Ron's scheduled for a CT Scan Monday. This will reveal if the cancer has been kept in check from the two cycles of chemo or if it's spreading. We see the doctor Friday to find out the results.

Until then, life is good! I've got my laptop set up in the "atrium" off the TV room. It's near Ron's recliner; it overlooks the backyard; it's bright. I like it. The printer's been brought down here. Everything is easy.

Last night I had dinner with the "girls" from Banking. All four of us were there, which doesn't happen often. It was a nice time.

I also did grocery shopping yesterday. Groan. I hate cooking, and it causes me a great deal of anxiety wondering if what I fix will appeal to Ron's chemo-dampened appetite.

I miss Em. I haven't seen her since Sunday when Michele and Em came for a visit.

Momma deer brought her fawn out this morning, only it wasn't just one.... it was twins! Two adorable, frisky, babies. The pictures of them are above.

Weather - It rained this afternoon. This morning was OK. I spend most of the day in jeans, socks and sneaks cause I'm cold.

Exercise - Nothing formal. Housework and a dozen times up and down the stairs.

Random thoughts - I should have put my car away in the garage. Summer's made me lazy. It was sunny and warm enough about 5 PM to sit on the swing. The grass needs mowing again. I've got to stop snacking as if I'll never eat again. The more Ron doesn't eat, the more I do. My feet hurt doay.

Rain

Let's seeeee.... have we had more than two consecutive days without rain? I don't think so! We live in a rain forest. It's beautiful but it grows and grows and grows.

We were unable to go to Jacob's graduation this past Saturday because Ron wasn't feelng well. Ron's kids, except for Neil, came over to say hello before going to the party. It cheered Ron up a lot, and overall, he was feeling better.

Sunday was another pretty good day. Ron and I sat on the swing, held hands, and I could almost believe all was well. We've had lots of deer in the backyard munching on the apples.

Monday Ron returned to Memorial Hospital for the red blood cell transfusion.

It Seems Like Forever

I can't remember when our life wasn't dictated by cancer, which involves doctor visits, chemo treatments, blood workups and now transfusions.

Ron's blood count Thursday was very bad. Doctor ordered transfusions of red blood cells (RBCs) and platelets for Friday. As always, the medical issues involve long stories that I'm not in the mood to write about. To get to the point, yesterday was a very very long day.

We were at Memorial Hospital by 7:30 AM. Ron was too weak to walk; I got a wheel chair. By 10 AM he was hooked up and RBCs were running into him. That sounds simple, but there was blood drawn, antigens cross checked and waiting to find out if there was blood locally or if we would have to wait until some came in from Syracuse (3 hours away!).

Once he was good to go, so to speak, I took off to do some planned shopping. I got a new cell phone; canceled Sprint/Nextel (HATE that company) and went with Verizon. Got a cool phone and am having fun playing with it.

Then went to Best Buy and got my new laptop computer. I love it!!! Another tech toy that makes me happy. It's gonna rock with speed and power, and I can't wait until we're hooked up to Verizon's faster Internet connection and I can sit downstairs and write.

Both phone and computer were planned purchases. Love it when a plan comes to fruition.

Ron's transfusion didn't go quite as planned. A very long story; not gonna write it here. Nuf to say that they didn't get both bags of RBCs into him and we have to return to the hospital Monday by 8:45 AM. They SHOULD have gotten both bags into him and because they didn't, Ron again has to get up early and we have to drive the 28 miles to the hospital.

Again I have issues with the medical establishment, and I will be following through with Ron's oncologist.

The good news is that Ron is feeling better. Far far far from 100%, but he is breathing better (when low on RBCs, one gets very breathless); he is more alert; he is talking more; he slept less today.

Michele is on vacation so I don't have Ember care for at least the next week and a half and maybe two weeks. I haven't seen Em since Tuesday, but tomorrow Michele and Em are coming down for a visit. (That's an indication of how much better Ron is feeling.)

Weather - Second rainest June on record. It's still raining, mixed with sun.

Exercise - Does worry and crying count as exercise? Probably not, huh. Shopping does, though. :--)

Random thoughts - When I reach the point in my life when I'm sick enough to need help, there won't be anybody here. Hopefully I'll check out easily and quickly. Why do people pray, finish their prayer with "Thy will be done," and wonder why nothing happens? I'm missing Mica's graduation party at Maureen's this weekend. Bummer.

Beautiful Day!

Summer has sprung. Yesterday and today the temps reached into the low 80s. Today in particular was a beautiful day: sunny, bright blue sky, fluffy white clouds.

It was a busy day. In no particular order: ran errands around town (library, recycling, store, mail, computer geek place); helped Ron with his shower and getting dressed; made breakfast for both of us; made lunch for both of us; mowed the lawn; made supper; did dishes; walked across the creek through the cemetery; read; watched a little bit of TV.

I'm pooped. Tomorrow will be as busy a day. Ron has two doctor appointments; one is just for blood work. We'll get lunch someplace, probably a take-out because Ron may be too tired to walk into a restaurant. He'll wait in the truck and sleep while I activate new cell phone service with Verizon and then I'm going to buy a laptop computer. Yeahh!!!

Ron's appetite has been better the past two days. Both days he actually ate three, albeit small, meals. He asked for specific things like a PB&J sandwich or a grilled cheese with ham sandwich and soup. This is very good. He is two weeks out from treatment day 1 and one week out of treatment day 2, so it's not surprising his appetite has returned. I hope it continues because he is up to 19 pounds weight loss since June 1.

There was a deer and a fawn under the apple tree last evening. It's the first fawn I've seen this year. Soooooooo freakin' cute!!! Full of spots and scampering around.

It was a lovely evening to sit on the swing. I wish Ron had felt well enough to come out with me. He hasn't been outside in days. It was warm and sunny and there was one deer grazing under the apple tree. So very peaceful.

Weather - This June has been the second most rainiest June in the history of weather records in the Capital Region of New York State. It has rained 19 out of 24 days!!

Exercise - I've tried to get in walking but there isn't always time. On days I have Ember, I get up at 5:30 and it's after 7:30 PM when I finish supper dishes. That's a 14-hour day, and I'm too damn tired to give more of myself, especially knowing Ron may need whatever energy I have left.

Random thoughts: Why didn't any of Ron's four children call him on Father's Day? For that matter, why didn't any one of them send him a birthday card last month? He shrugs off the hurt more often than not, but it does hurt him, and therefore I don't shrug it off. Ron is part of MY family and when people fuck with my family, I get pissed!!! ... and I don't forget... ever. Payback's a bitch. :--) Does it really matter what kind of laptop I get? I have a few items that are required, but most if not all of them are met in just about every brand.

Scooter and Happiness

Em was thrilled with her scooter. For some reason, instead of "hiding" when she heard me park in front of her house, she looked out the window and saw me carrying the scooter. Her face lit up like the sun and she was yelling, "Grandma Marla got me a scooter. It's beautiful. It's pink. A scooter." If it had cost three times as much, it would have been worth the price for me to see her reaction. "Thank you, Grandma. Thank you so much for my scooter. I love it. It's perfect. I love you. Thank you so much," words she kept repeating.

Whether she really loves it or just is happy with her most serious desire being filled is something we may never know. She is showing great pride in ownership and has ridden it up and down her block half a dozen times, helmet high on her head.

Ron has chemo yesterday. It was only Gemzar, which is easier on his system. He got an injection of.....?? damn, can't remember the drug, but it's similar to Procrit, which is a booster of red blood cells. Today his friend Walter is taking him up for a shot of ??? (again can't remember name), which will boost his white blood cells. His RBC count yesterday was not good. No wonder he's so tired.

Some days it's tougher than others for me to keep a stiff upper lip, so to speak. Some days, or moments, tears just seap out of my eyes almost without my knowing it. There is fear that this is the beginning of the end, though my mind tells me that Ron's extreme fatigue, he's sleeping 18+ hours a day, is due to the chemo. I am full of fear of how I will handle all that will eventually have to be done.

All I've ever wanted is a simple life. I subscribe to the idea that the more one has, the more one has to take care of, insure, worry about, etc. I don't need stuff. I don't like to have stuff. I married a man who has stuff. No, he has STUFF. Some of the stuff will go to his children, but most of it is not family-related. Hmmmmmm...wonder if they'd be interesed in the old yellow bathtub in the cellar? Or how about the furnace that was replaced last year. Maybe the washer that was replaced last month by a new one. Don't forget the bucket truck, the pontoon boat and trailer and two work trucks that bear the company's name to name a few other things.

I am ahead of myself and our situation as it is now, but I am seriously concerned that the amount of work involved when all is said and done will be more than I'm physically capable of doing.

Weather - Rain, clouds, chilly damp temps. Lousy June.

Gas prices - They continue to go up. I paid $2.75 at the Glenmont Cumberland this morning.

Exercise - Ha!

Random Thoughts - Hope I am successul at switching my cell service from Sprint/Nextel to Verizon tonight. Piece of advice: Do not use Sprint! Em is sleeping right now and has been for an hour. I hope she wakes up happy.