New Normal

Those of us with illness in our lives, whether we are the one who is ill or the caregiver, live with the timetables of tests, results, doctor visits. Ron and I have lived with timetables ever since I met him, but they were usually benign and made us only mildly anxious

This time, though, the timetables of tests, results and doctor visits carry a more serious focus. As a friend said to me -- and something I've said before in my life -- this *is* the new normal, and normal now revolves around life issues that are a hell of a lot more important than whether it will rain on the 4th of July. People who don't have health issues cannot understand what it is to live life with the ceiling of "what if" over one's head.

Ron had a CT scan Monday. We see the oncologist tomorrow for the results. I expect to hear that the four chemo treatments he's had were not enough to contain the cancer. I hope to hear another protocol will be offered. Ron is anxious; more than I've ever seen from him.

We are facing a double whammy right now because he also has chronic kidney failure, and he is showing major signs that chronic has turned into plain ole' failure. He has an appointment with the nephrologist Monday.

So even the new normal might become a newer normal if Ron faces chemo treatments and dialysis. I can't wrap my mind around the logistics of that right now.

Right now, our normal will also mean that I get away for an afternoon once in a while. I have got to have that. Tuesday afternoon of this week Em, Michele and I were supposed to take the Aqua Duck tour of Albany but the company cancelled because of bad weather. Instead we went to the Children's Museum in Saratoga. Em loves the museum, and we enjoyed watching her have a good time.

Actually I am hoping/counting on being able to take care of Em at least one day a week, unti/if Ron gets weaker again. The whole Em schedule has changed too, though. Tony is working a compressed work week on a second shift, going into work about 1 PM. He's pretty much taking care of Ember every morning before work, other than the mornings Em goes to pre-school. So the need to have anybody care for Em all day long is gone. Nonetheless, I am hoping that I can be with her all day every other Monday and a half day each week.

Ron's weakness has lessened quite a bit. The weekend just past had us again thinking, "ER." We waited, though, and he gained some strength, so again he doesn't look very sick. I know he's weak, though, and needs his strength for just sitting up, reading, watching TV and walking in the house. We had a talk of sorts this morning wherein I reminded him that please and thank you were the words people used most often when they ask for something or something is done for them. Yes, even a wife deserves that. It is an acknowledgment by him that I'm at his beck and call.

Weather - So far, this is the summer that isn't. We've had so much rain that I sink in the grass when I walk on it. Corn isn't growing well. Hay is becoming mulch.

Exercise - I've been walking this week than the past couple of weeks. I need the alone time.

Random thoughts - I want my husband back, but I know it will never be the way it was. Actually I know that right now may be the best we have from now on. The sun has come out. What a relief. I turned 60 years old last week. Strange to think how few years I have left to live in relation to how many I have lived.