Damn!

Below is a post I made to a message board for widows to which I belong:
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I've been doing really well, until now, though I suppose technically I'm still doing well. I still shower and dress. I take care of the house inside. I take care of the house outside. I take care of my granddaughter 2-3 days a week. My son, who is living with me through the winter, is getting my approval even when I might not approve, and he's certainly not here often enough to give me the help he said he would. I take care of my cat and now the stray that my son asked if he could adopt. I give support to my best friend whose husband has serious health problems. I give rides to my friend's kids when she's not available. You get the idea.

I doubt I'm doing anything unusual. Most if not all of us are doing for others because we have the obligations and usually want to. Those of you with children are always doing and giving. You more than anyone have to quell the desire to SCREAM, weep and fall apart at the drop of a hat for the sake of your children.

But ya know what? We're not getting filled up any more. We're not being nurtured any more. The creek is running dry and there's not much water coming down. My husband is gone forever, and he was the person who filled me with love and support so I could easily do what had to be done.

It's gotten to me. All I want to do is crawl under the covers and stay there for a very long time. My body's giving out a little bit. I've had intestinal problems and had a 12-hour bug Friday into Saturday with a high fever, vomiting, sore throat and shortness of breath. Nothing like being sick and not having Ron here.

For the first time since Ron died 10 weeks ago, I am feeling sorry for myself. I recognize it. I accept it. I'm wallowing in it. I'm feeling sorry for myself because there is nobody to fall back on. It's me, myself and I, and I hate it!! I hate raking the leaves by myself and wheelbarrowing them back to the woods. Oh, and the wheelbarrow broke. I hate that I have to go to the local lumber company and buy a new one. I hate that I had to turn off the water to the outside so it doesn't freeze. I hate that I had hook up the roof defroster wiring in anticipation of winter. I hate that I have to arrange to get the canopy swing taken apart and put away in the back garage for the winter. I hate that I have to do this and then cook, do dishes, do laundry, vacuum, dust, put up plastics at the window, take care of 2 cats and continue to peck away at the stuff that Ron left behind after living in this house for 30+ years.

I hate having to do it all, and I am a very capable woman. What do women do who don't have the resources or ability to slog along getting the work done?

I'm thinking that I am going to pay me back by taking a trip in January. A trip to somewhere warm, away from snow and ice. Ron and I never did winter vacations. We traveled in the summer and fall so it won't bring back memories. I'll create new memories that are just for me. Alone... and I hate that thought but I will do it anyway.

So those of you with more than 10 weeks experience of not having a husband (I freakin' hate the "W" word and will probably never attend one of the conferences because it's labeled with that word!!! Camp Widow next August? Camp Widow? Boy is that depressing sounding), have you done something good for yourself such as traveling?