Early Mornings :: It's Been a Month

Sleep beyond 4 AM doesn't happen much any more. Sometimes I go back to dozing, but not the past couple of days.

The days are not getting easier. Ron's here and there, but he's no where. I have reached a stage where I expect to see him on the swing when I drive in the driveway or at the table when I walk in the door, and am so let down when, of course, he's not here.

I weed wacked yesterday morning. It was almost fun. As always, doing yard work makes me feel close to Ron, and I do like the neatness that comes from the effort.

Ron went into the hospital a month ago today. Only a month, but it seems like such a long time ago. How naive we were. He was tired. He had extremely low blood pressure. He had breathing problems. These are fixable, right? Apparently not.

Next week I start taking care of Em again on a flexible but regular basis. Michele said Em asks for me all the time and says she misses me. I miss her too and am looking forward to the routine of what she and I do. I dread not having Ron to leave and come home to. We had our rituals of good-bye and hello and it hurts to have them gone.

When one is half of a couple, the lives are intertwined, no matter how independent they may be. The cycle of leaving and coming together are zones of comfort during the day that go unnoticed for they are common. They are also special.

This is so new to me that if someone asks me, "Are you married," I will respond, "Yes." Ron's dead but I am still married. Don't tell me I am single or widowed. I'm not

Sometimes I can't find Ron in my mind. My mind still thinks he's here so what's the grief all about and why do I have to find him?

The insurance payment from SGLI was received yesterday. It took just one week and one day to get it. It's a relief to have the money to pay for the funeral and seriously address my desire to have installed an automatic-start generator. Wouldn't it be great if we have a mild winter?

I'm in the mood to clean. It's been a while, and other than keeping the kitchen and bathroom clean, I haven't dusted in weeks and it's been a couple of weeks since I vacuumed. Sorta difficult to get excited about a little dust when spending 18+ hours a day in the hospital and then planning a funeral.