Mourning

Life goes on and the world continues to spin, but it's a lot more difficult for me to participate with Ron gone. Sorrow comes out of no where. I can be fine for hours because I'm busy and then I slow down, and it all comes crashing around me. I do not recommend this to anybody. Being a survivor (I refuse to use the "W" word because I consider myself still married) is horrible.

It's bad enough that there are reminders in every part of the house, but then I do something alone that we always did together, and a new rush of hurt spirals into my spirit. It was 3 weeks yesterday that Ron passed so everything is still very fresh.

Death is work for those left behind. I tell everybody with whom I talk to make sure your records are set up and maintained about what to do if your spouse dies. Do you know your spouse's SS number? Retirement system number? Was he in the service? What about life insurance policy numbers? I had good records and even then, it's been a tremendous amount of work. Arranging a funeral, making phone calls, filling in forms, reading sympathy cards, writing thank you notes for flowers and donations in Ron's name. For the first week there's an almost never-ending amount of work to do, and then it kind of all slows down the second week, which is when I kicked into a manic phase of physical work. Mow the lawn, fill in the potholes in the driveway, move piles of dirt, vacuum the house, dust, clean, wash floors. I was up and going 18 hours a day!

This past week -- week 3 -- I'm kind of crashing. I've lost the energy of last week and don't give a rat's ass if the dishes are done let alone if something is dusty. This is the week I am really mourning; thinking about all the things we did over the time we knew each other; thinking about Ron being sick and them the vent being removed.

I've had people kind of give me pep talks about "chin up" and "looking for things to smile about." BITE ME!! Have your husband die and then tell me 3 weeks later how you feel. There is no time line for grief.

In the still moments of the day, or at the grocery store buying for one instead of two, or trying to put something together, I hurt so much I just give in and cry. I won't cry always; I won't cry forever; but I do cry now. I also laugh with those who knew Ron and we share funny stories.

Ron was very much admired, liked and loved in this small town of Greenville where he had lived his entire 72 years of life. Over 300 people came to the two viewings and/or funeral. Grown men leaned on my shoulder and cried because they will miss him.

I started babysitting for Ember on Thursday. I haven't cared for her in over 2 months, since Ron got so weak and needed me at home. Two + months brings big changes to a 3-year-old. She knows Grandpa Ron is dead. When Michele told her, Em cried and cried and then said he's in the sky like Mufaso (sp?) from the Lion King looking down at us. Even now Em talks about Grandpa Ron in the sky looking down at us, and she dreams about him. Two nights ago Em dreamed that Grandma Ron thanked her for taking care of Grandma Marla and said he loved her. Kids are open to anything. It's wonderful.

Time heals. At our age we know this. We've all had losses and broken hearts. I will not always want to drive off the end of the earth (good things it's round, huh). But right now, I just want my husband back so we can hold hands in the car as we often did, and kiss and hug and share meals and just enjoy life. Enjoying life is the reward for living a long life, and I am lucky to have had a couple of years of living with Ron and enjoying life.