Mourning ... Still

This time of the day, whether it be weekends or weekdays, is very difficult for me. We usually ate about 5:30 and just about now I'd be getting supper on the table. As much as I disliked cooking, we had our ritual of suppertime, and I would give most anything to experience that ritual again. It's been a long time, though, because once Ron started chemo, the whole food thing changed. He didn't eat or he'd sleep in, therefore pushing meals hours ahead of usual time.

I sit here looking at the recliner. I hate that recliner, but it held Ron when he was so fatigued he could barely move. A hug, a kiss, a wink, the touch of our hands, me sitting here at the laptop while he dozed in the chair -- I miss it all... I want it back...

Sometimes all I want to do is talk about Ron but I want to talk about how we were together, things that others don't necessarily want to hear nor do I really want to share them. Anybody who's married knows about the private things that couples share. The rituals. I miss the rituals of being married. I miss walking up behind him as he sat at the kitchen table, leaning down to kiss his neck and then rubbing it. I miss the way he'd reach out for me and hug me to him. I miss DVRing his favorite shows. I miss sharing a bed with Ron. I miss the 'dance' we did in the mornings when we were both in the bathroom. I miss the sound of his big shoes on the wooden floors. I miss knowing that if something went wrong, he could fix it! Ron could fix anything.

Miss miss miss... I want it all back... and it's not gonna happen.

I keeping hoping I'll dream about Ron and remember, but I don't. Makes me sadder than I am.