He's Gone

I just re-read the July 22 post to this blog. Since that was written, Ron has died.

Just a week and a couple of days prior to Ron's death on July 31 I was anticipating him coming home. What happened? Why did it happen? Why will I never see Ron again? Never share hugs, kisses, holding hands, enjoying the house, the yard, OUR LIFE.

I can't write about it now. It just is, and I am so lonely I could cry, so I do. I, who have never been lonely much at all, now feel it deeply and almost unceasingly. I miss my husband. I am still married in my heart, and though I know time does help -- after all, I am 60 years old and have experienced many events and issues in my life -- I don't want time to help or this feeling to go away. I want to mourn Ron and miss him and love him then as much as I do now.

It's been very difficult. More difficult than I can put into words. The whole business of dying is difficult. The hospital; the funeral home; the wake; the funeral; the phone calls, both incoming and outgoing; the condolences which are necessary to give and receive but make me cry each time I hear one.

My guy is gone... for good. How can that be? How can someone exist one moment and be gone the next?